i have had amazing faith in people.
i love people. they are full of life and love, compassion, hope, kindness. left to themselves i have genuinely believed we are good.
i have believed that love is something that is in us, that is natural and gets tainted over time.
i want to keep having faith in people.
but i feel like we are destined to hurt, we are destined to break and destined to being unloving.
the past few months have been a harsh reminder that people will fail you. time and time again i put my faith in people and always, they fail.
what does this mean? if people can't love, if people abandon, if people fail, if people hurt... is this natural or is this corruption? this is the question time and again i have asked myself and just when i start to find peace in my conclusion i get broken again, and i have to question. i have to shut my doors, lock my windows, put up my strong walls and ask endless questions.
friends that know me in real life, i'm sure, will be shocked at this statement but, i am sick of people. i want no one around me. i want to be alone and i want everyone to stop looking. i want to hide in a cave, i want to keep secrets. for the time being I don't want deep relationships. I'm exhausted from the effort, and I'm sick of pain.
i started an anonymous blog that can't be searched.. its the only way i know how to still have an outlet for myself, and also be left alone.
this feeling started as a next step and now i feel like i need to fight, which i hate because i'm sick of fighting. i want to fight against the extreme, i dont want to get bitter, i dont want to lose hope in people, i have to find balance somehow. i always do though, i will.
right now i'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm sad, im disappointed and im questioning again. at the least my mind will no longer be bored.
i dont know when i will write here again, or if i will. ill leave that open.