Saturday, June 6, 2009

it's gonna cost you but you might hurt less

i have had amazing faith in people.

i love people. they are full of life and love, compassion, hope, kindness. left to themselves i have genuinely believed we are good.

i have believed that love is something that is in us, that is natural and gets tainted over time.

i want to keep having faith in people.

but i feel like we are destined to hurt, we are destined to break and destined to being unloving.

the past few months have been a harsh reminder that people will fail you. time and time again i put my faith in people and always, they fail.

what does this mean? if people can't love, if people abandon, if people fail, if people hurt... is this natural or is this corruption? this is the question time and again i have asked myself and just when i start to find peace in my conclusion i get broken again, and i have to question. i have to shut my doors, lock my windows, put up my strong walls and ask endless questions.

friends that know me in real life, i'm sure, will be shocked at this statement but, i am sick of people. i want no one around me. i want to be alone and i want everyone to stop looking. i want to hide in a cave, i want to keep secrets. for the time being I don't want deep relationships. I'm exhausted from the effort, and I'm sick of pain.

i started an anonymous blog that can't be searched.. its the only way i know how to still have an outlet for myself, and also be left alone.

this feeling started as a next step and now i feel like i need to fight, which i hate because i'm sick of fighting. i want to fight against the extreme, i dont want to get bitter, i dont want to lose hope in people, i have to find balance somehow. i always do though, i will.

right now i'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm sad, im disappointed and im questioning again. at the least my mind will no longer be bored.

i dont know when i will write here again, or if i will. ill leave that open.


Elissa Rachael Parrish said...

how does one comment on a blog like this? seems sort of stupid to since you want space, but i'm going to anyway... i totally get it... good you will still be writing for yourself... i'm sure that will help... you'll find your balance i know...

as a reader of your open blog i have to tell you that i'm one person that your writing impacted for good. you made me feel like i wasn't alone in many of the same struggles and you inspired me with your transparency and honesty. thank you...

it was wonderful to see you today and meet your kids...


kmenger said...

You ditch your facebook too?

skylana said...


Amalia Z. said...

You should keep writting, I don't know you, but I love reading you.
I get you right now but I know that the way I love people don't have to change, even when I get hurt, because if I lose love and faith in people then it's not love.
And I agree with some people that reads your blog: your writing impacted me for good.

Sorry, my english sucks! :)