extravagance

its 620am, my house is clean, dishwasher is on and so is the washer. i'm drinking tea, i've done some reading... what am i going to fill the rest of my day with? i'm being too productive. remember how i talked about how i'm SO efficient?... this is the problem, if i apply myself to my best ability, i do it too well. then i'm left with too much open time. now i'll need some more extra carricular activities.

ok onto the blog....

last night during our smoke, in which i hit a record four cigarettes in a row, seth and i were talking about our dream house.

seth is a dreamer, an idealist. in his mind everything him or i want is perfectly attainable and something we will have. its not in question. he's been asking me to tell him the things i want in life, so he can make a mental note, and from there bring them into our lives. so we started talking about my dream house and how many rooms we would want and what for. i said 4. one for us, two rooms for the girls that they could use as a bedroom and separate play room til they get a bit older and want their own rooms, and a guest bedroom. seth said 5. he wanted the same but he wants his own studio, which could seem extravagant at first but when you need to record as much as seth, it is more economical in the end. so i agreed to 5. then he said we should have 6. all of those, plus a room for me to write in. i started to get a bit angry as i argued with him as to why i did not want anything more than 5 bedrooms and that that was already pushing it. i'd like to have his studio be separate from our house actually and only have 4 bedrooms in our house. we'd also like either a special outdoor kind of area or a place in the studio to make into a hukah lounge.

anyway, i started getting frustrated while explaining why i didn't want a house that was any larger. for seth, this is our dream and we should think of everything we could dream up for this. to me, within dreaming up the things i want, i was thinking of the kind of person i want to be, and stay. i NEVER want to live in extravagance and a 4 bedroom house is already at my very very most outer limit of that, especially if it was a house we built for ourselves. its not that i dont think i deserve it or seth doesnt, its just that i could never feel right living in a house i felt was extravagant, that was too far beyond what we need. if i had millions upon millions i would not build a house with more bedrooms than 4. i know people say you can stay yourself and have lots of money, and maybe some can, but i believe you always change. if that happened to me, or when it does as seth believes, i want to be as much the same as i can be. i was thinking about brad pitt and angelina jolie. if i had as much money as them, i would not want to live the lifstyle they do. i think they do GREAT things and i admire that. but if i had loads of money i wouldn't want to live an extravagant life and then make up for it by doing good things so i didn't feel guilty. i'd rather stay myself, live within what i see as reasonable, and give just because i want to, not because if i dont my life will be totally outrageous.

i had this conversation in regards to touring with matt theison. yea i just kind of named dropped, i dont know if that counts, but maybe semi? anyway we got in kind of an argument about how people have extravagant tours and there is no need. everyone's view of what is ridiculous is different... but you can choose to see what you want. example... if you start out touring in a van, you will accomodate to that, if you move onto an rv, you will accomodate to that and then a van will seem to small, you move to a bus and all of a sudden you dont know how you ever toured on an rv and so on and so forth. i was talking about how britney spears, i'm guessing, spends more on one show (at least for sure did at the time) than coldplay did. she could not do that, still have as many people in her audience and make more money in the end because she didn't spend like 3 million on one show. extravagance.

a lot of people who come out of poverty move to the other extreme, they want, they feel they deserve everything they ever wanted. although i can be an extreme person i long for balance in my life, in every area. i dont want to become the extreme opposite of the poverty stricken life i grew up in, i just want balance. i want a house that is a home, that has enough room and is more than i ever could have thought i would have but that doesn't have so much space we make up reasons to use certain rooms. i dont need a room to write. i can write in a guestroom, i can write anywhere. i want to live a life that fulfills mine and seths dreams, but i want to live a life first and foremost that is true to who i am and what i believe in. anyone can lose who they are and what they believe at the touch of money. i do NOT believe money is evil or bad, i love money, money is great, but who i am is greater.

it was nice talking about our dream house but i told seth that i wanted to get to the place where we love exactly where we are. we havent been there yet. i think its so good to dream and if i wasn't married to seth i might never dream at all... but i also think its good to wait on dreams, hold them for a minute, and love where you are. i feel like we are almost to the place we have been trying to get to since we got married. a home we love, not struggling with money, children that aren't tiny ha, and real happiness with each other. i want to finish getting to those things right now, and we are so close i can taste it. once i am there, i will be free to dream.... to dream for my reasonable, yet beautiful, modern four bedroom home with a hukah lounge....