as most of you know, i do not want to be a stay at home mom.
i have been for the past 3 years because there was no way for me to do anything other than stay home with my little darlings. i am glad that i had that time with arabella and for the time i've had with nola as a baby, but i'm just beyond ready. i can't handle this anymore.
i've been aching to go to school. aching. since one of my friends started to do an online program, i've had it in my head. lately its gone to my heart. i dont know what exactly i'd want to go to school for. i know the things i'm interested in and can kind of see how they come together but really believe that school would help me grow and bring my plans into focus.
i'm really not into doing online school, this would be my last resort, because i NEED to be somewhere separate from my house and i need to have hands on learning, lectures, other people. plus i want to be a part of the world again, i want my own life where i talk to people. people who aren't 3.
if theres anything i regret (which trust me, there is... A LOT) i regret not finishing high school. did you know i didn't finish high school? i feel like its written on my forehead. at the same time i do realize i'm about a billion times more intelligent than a lot of people who do finish high school. i'm just frustrated that i didn't give myself the tools i needed... for life. i'm frustrated that good old mother didn't either. she raised me thinking school didn't matter and i was smart but couldn't really get good grades and didn't really need to. that's all fine and dandy if you never want to do anything with your life, or if you happen to be the exception (like my husband) who somehow does anyway.
the truth is i am smart, could have gotten really good grades, could have done really really well. if someone would have maybe taught me to do that, instead of teaching me NOT to. point is, now i really really want to. i want to get my GED, i want to go to a community college and i want to do something with my life, for myself.
so i've been trying to figure out daycare and seriously, its absolutely ridiculous. if anyone out there knows about things i dont, let me in on it, cause i'm stumped.
i'm pretty sure EVERY person i know who has young kids and has a job or goes to school either has parents who watch them or is single and qualifies for daycare that i dont because of income. (not that i'm complaining about our income...)
then if there is a daycare at a school nola doesn't fit the profile because she's too young. 2 and toilet trained. 2 years and 9 months. ugh.
right now my next move is a job at night. this will only equal out paying for nola to have daycare and daycare and preschool together will still be an expense, not something covered by my extra income... but i think its worth it. its hard because neither seth nor i want to have more time apart... as of right now we've got a couple hours every night where he works but is at least home and then by 930 i'm walking to our room asking if he's coming too. so on one hand more time not with each other will be hard, but at the same time probably wont seem all that different, since we never really hang out now.
i want to do this while i'm still young. while i still am the age where its normal to be in college. itll be weird enough if i'm in college when my sister is (if she goes) but at least (no offense) i wont be 30 and in college... which i guess could still be college age for some people.... but usually they can at least say "i'm 30, i'm in college, but i have been for like a billion years." i dont want to be all "i'm 30, i'm in college, i've been here for a year.... i took a couple years off right out of high school, which i didn't graduate from."
anyway, i want to do it while i'm still young, and while i'm eager to learn.
if i can find a night job this might all get real intense, real soon.