Monday, December 7, 2009

forever young



i heard the quote recently "when you're a mother the days are long and the years are short."

nothing has ever described motherhood so perfectly to me before. lately the days haven't been so long. it feels like they are flying by right when i started wishing they'd last longer.

i want ara to stay her little self SO bad lately. i always say to her "pleeeease pleeeeease stay little for me!!! please??" and she says "no mama! i caaaaan't! i can't because i HAVE TO grow up!"

she's right.

but i dont want her to, not now, or anytime soon anyway...

i like the little her that thinks shes actually cinderella when she puts on her princess dress, the little her who calls seth "majesty" and "prince charmin" when asking him to dance, the little her who calls me "queen" and "precious", the little her who can only draw circles but thinks she's writing words, the little her who screams with delight when we talk about christmas.

i can't imagine the day she'll be too big to curl up on my lap, or when it will become awkward for me to pinch her lil tuchas, or when she'll want to hang out with her friends instead of with me. ... or... when she moves out.

last night she told me she "has to" live in her own house without me, or papa, or noli when she grows up. i told her she could still live with noli.

i wish i could freeze time, just for a little while. or know that i could come back whenever i wanted.

my heart feels too big for itself when i think of their little faces, their precious smiles and big eyes, their tiny little bodies, their belly laughs when seth is tickling them. i need these little girls. life before them doesn't even look like a good memory compared to the ones we're making.

i know i can't keep them little, and i dont want to be the mom that won't let go when its time. but oh how my heart aches with each passing day, knowing its just one day closer to them growing up.

i'm soaking them up. i could never get enough. doesn't it feel like you're always getting almost enough of them? even when i want to be alone i miss them. i can't even describe how good it is to look at arabellas sweet face, when she looks back at me like im the only thing in the world and just says "mama, i love you... sooooo much."

i take comfort in knowing that the only other person who could ever understand just how amazing they are, the only one who will remember all the little things they did as babies or as little girls that we held so dear, the only one who will ever love them as much as me, will be right there with me when i'm old and need to soak in the memories of these precious little girls. he'll be there to know exactly what i'm talking about and to miss it too. he'll be there to see what these girls have become and be proud of them too. he'll be there to enjoy every moment of these two amazing lives we created together.

4 comments:

Elissa said...

lots of crying and mutual feelings.

Flo Paris Oakes said...

I knoooooooooooooooooooooow!!!!!!!
You said it all perfectly.
So sweet/sad.
I'm so glad I have Josh too...but I'm also glad for you, and E, because after him, I know you girls understand and love my babies almost as much as I do.
Let's be crazy old ladies together who vacation to florida to get tan and reminisce :)

Andrea June said...

I just teared up reading this post. So beautiful and touching, Skylana! I LOVE this.

Nicole Ashley said...

I have a 4 month old and i tell him everyday that he has to stay little FOREVER! and everyday I go get him from his crib in the morning (or turn over when he never makes it back to his crib from his night feeding :)) and he is bigger. Another day older. I totally teared up reading this post.