Wednesday, December 9, 2009

what do i prove?

its interesting to me how people that believe in god, in prayer, in god working closely in our lives, think that that means he is real. its interesting that people, and i have been there before as well, believe that god is real and their main defense for his existence and involvement (as i have learned from asking anyone i can) is the "experiences" they've had in their life. they experience things they would see as miracles and automatically attribute it to god. its like when you already have these god goggles on and are looking for him, you find "him". duh. thats how humans work. whatever i want to look for, i will "find". god goggles.

this is now confusing to me for a few reasons. one, because i dont really understand how it makes sense that something we alone (and maybe our friends) believe is a miracle is then, a miracle. isn't this just an opinion? yes. i could look at it and easily explain away the miracle part of it. almost in every situation, even the dead being raised "by prayer" can be explained away by science. this sort of thing happens, all the time, without prayer. two, because i dont really understand where the leap from something happening in life because of our choices, or others choices, or just the movement of life jumps to a divinity specifically making your circumstances what they are. that's a big jump to me. third, even if this stuff made sense, it doesn't prove that god is real, it just proves that that person really believes he is. it doesn't prove that he is involved.

just like it doesn't prove that god is not real or involved when people pray and nothing happens. i dont believe prayer does anything exceptional. in some situations its coincidence, in some situations i believe its a group motivation or individuals motivation that spurs them to action. its not actual interaction with a higher power, its an internal interaction with your mind or an external interaction with people you surround yourself with. but again, when people pray that someone with cancer wont die, or that someone will be healed and they're not, it doesn't prove that god isn't real, it doesn't prove he's not involved.

when i was going through the craziness of this year, when i wasn't loving seth or caring about him, when i wanted to leave my family, the ONLY answer any christian had for me? to pray. to ask god to help me because they all said that i couldn't do it on my own. the only way that i would come out was with god. and you know what? god didn't help me, and i never asked him to. i made a decision, i changed my mind. there were also hormones involved in parts of it, but there were parts that had deep roots that had grown for years. there still are deep roots in me that i need to dig out, but i know i dont need to pray that somehow they will go away. that will do nothing. i have the power to move them, to unearth them, and heal my own heart.

i know people who would say that this is god despite what i believe, that god hasn't left me even though i've "forsaken him"... but why do they get to decide that both sides prove that god is real or involved? they dont. me doing it on my own doesn't prove in my mind that god is not involved in life, in my life, in everything. but other peoples "miracles", even my "miracles" certainly dont make me think one tiny bit more that god is involved or that god is real. neither one proves anything.

if you base your belief on god on experiences that you have had what does that mean? it doesn't mean anything to anyone but you.
if i base my belief that god is not involved on my experiences, that doesn't make it true.

i dont believe god is involved in our lives, i think its a possibility. but that doesn't mean much coming from me, anything is a possibility. mormons could be the right ones.

but mostly i dont believe god is involved just because life makes sense on its own. i dont feel like i need to try and figure out how it would make sense that it was all god. it already makes sense, things already work together without adding the notion that god did something.

my life experiences dont prove that god is real, or involved, or that he loves me.

but my life experiences do prove that humans are amazing complex beings. it proves that we are hurtful and loving, full of weakness and full of strength, that we are destructive and creative, it proves that we can tear down and build, it proves that we have the power. its in our hands, our lives are in our hands. i can't look back and prove god did something in my life, but i can look back and prove that i did. i can look back and say "i chose to change, i chose to do what i needed to do to move forward." or i can say "i chose not to." but i can't with certainty (as no one can) say that god did it. that is opinion, which leads to faith.

all this isn't to say that faith is bad or wrong or that people who believe god did the things in their life are wrong. i dont think that. i do think its better to believe you have the power to make your life what you want it to be, that you have the power to make yourself who you want to be because it seems to make me people take more responsibility and not blame things on god or give credit away. but i dont think its bad to have faith. the whole point of this is to ask what i prove. what will my life prove when i am gone? no ones life has proven that god is real when they died. if it had, we'd all know that god is real.

i dont want to waste time trying to live a life that "glorifies" a being, which is really a fancy way to say a life that "proves" his existence, because that is impossible and never happens. i'd rather live my life to glorify humanity and love. i want to prove that humanity is deep and amazing, that it can be very good. i want to prove that love can heal. i want my life to prove that humans can evolve.

i want to look back on my experiences, the bad things that have happened to me, and not think about where god was or is in it... that's irrelevant. i want to look at those experiences and see how i took control of them, how i came out of them, how i turned them around and i want to teach my daughters that they can do these things as well. that they hold great power in their own lives. i want to teach them how to take a hold of that and be the women they desire to be and have the life they dream of.

7 comments:

Elissa said...

this is my favorite yet skylana... i feel like i could have written the first half. i agree with every word. the last half about us having the ability to change ourselves is doubtful to me. i am in limbo about that one. i think many people do not have that ability. i am doubtful as to wether or not i do... but people do change and evolve with or without him.

Jessica Lee said...

I completely understand where you are at. I've written similar blogs to this in the past. I am Christian, but I question A LOT of the bible. It doesn't mean I love God any less. And I don't necessarily like to use the "pray card" or the laying of hands and miracles happen left and right.
99% of my friends are Christian, but I have felt a bit ostracized at times for my questioning, politics and theological reasonings. As if they are "more Christian" than me.
It's hard to be the black sheep, but I wouldn't want to be anything else.
I commend you for your honesty on religion. And I feel like I am not the only one that holds doubt. Keep it up.

Marianne Elixir said...

Skylana,

I also agree with almost everything you've written here. You are a good thinker. However, I also firmly believe in God, for none of the reasons you have mentioned.

The things that frustrate you about "christians" and "christianity" also frustrate me and cause me to very rarely identify myself as a "christian" for fear of what other people *think* that word means (legitimately based on their experiences with "christians"). This makes me want to post something later this month on why I do believe in God.

I'm really glad you're writing!

Alloyous said...

Hey Skylana-
I live in LA! Lets hang out! I am a Christian too, but it doesn't mean we can't connect! That totally sounds cheesy, but I mean it in a completely non-cheese way. Also, I read your post about depression and I can relation 100%. I didn't realize I had gone through all my life with depression until this year and am now learning how to cope with it. It's completely like you said. You can't just "get out" of it in an easy way. And girl, I'd really like to talk to you about all of this! Get my number from Seth!

skylana said...

Kate?

Isaac said...

yes!

Alloyous said...

I mean,yes this is kate! i was on isaacs blog.