Wednesday, January 13, 2010

finally free

i'm pretty sure every fragment of every tiny religious christian chain that had held me hostage has been broken, and completely dissolved.

its taken me 4 years to get here and there's not even a small amount of regret, fear, doubt or guilt left. it takes a long time to get the voices of others out of your head, especially when it comes to something as close to the heart as spirituality, especially when you've been hearing things as "absolute truth" for years, especially when those same voices in agreement with each other have had a way of making you feel like you are the crazy one.

it takes a long time to separate yourself from the people you inevitably have to separate from because there is no love, grace, or understanding.

but i'm there.

moving has helped a lot, coming to a place where people have a lot more in common with me has shown me just how tiny my old town is. its amazing to feel like i'm the normal one. for the first time, maybe even in my entire life, i feel like i'm the normal one. its so freeing i can barely describe it. i feel like a new person and i feel completely secure in my beliefs and my life, completely secure in the things that i desire, and completely secure in who i am.

i'm finally to the point where people still wanting and hoping that i will be a christian doesn't bother me. it doesn't threaten me because its not even close to an option for me and i dont feel afraid of that anymore. for a long time i had chosen what i believed or didn't believe but still had this pang of fear that if i'm wrong, i'm screwed, or that all these christians were right, that one day i would "come back" to the "truth" or whatever. i could still be wrong, but i'm not afraid of that anymore because i have come to a place where i truly believe in something, i dont doubt it. i'm not afraid of being made to be a christian again because i realize now i have control over that and i never ever have to call myself something again. ever. when i had been a christian before it was all at the beck and call of others, it was all for them. i felt like from the beginning i was being made to be something i wasn't. i felt like the adults around me had convinced me that this is what i had to know despite what i felt inside. i felt like the ones i wanted around me wouldn't love me if i didn't try to be this thing i wasn't.

its still a bit hard for seth and i because there are some very core things we just dont agree on, things we just dont see eye to eye on and never will. the good thing about us is that we are both understanding and want to understand each other no matter what. its hard to know that there are places that are very important to us where we will just never connect. they're not the most important things in the world but they are important to me and its hard to really realize there is probably no gaining ground on them. there will most likely never be a resolution between us. on one hand that's completely fine, its ok. on the other its a bit sad, its a small loss of a certain connection. i dont know what this is like for other married couples, most the couples i know have the same core beliefs. i'm interested in any of you that dont and want to share how it is for you.

at the same time, i have made friends. friends that are great and friends that i have these connections with, and that means more to me than i could ever express. its been so long since i have felt this kind of true connection when it comes to spirituality and beliefs. i'm so thankful i made my way out of that tiny town i hold so dear, because leaving has brought me back to myself with all masks hung up forever.

10 comments:

Elissa Parrish said...

i don't believe the bible is ultimate truth and josh does... i believe in gay rights and marriage and josh doesn't... we believe in jesus and the way he lived his life and that is pretty much what we have in common... we are both extremely politically conservative and that helps us feel like we have something to rant about together...

spirituality isn't something we discuss very often because it's usually not a positive conversation.

the big difference between you and me (and i'm jealous), is that you have found what you believe. i feel like i am roaming and just waiting to land on something. part of me hopes it's what i was always told and part of me would die if it is. josh gives me a lot of room because nothing i believe right now is super solid anyway. it's evolving.

sweettart83 said...

I have been with my fiancé for 10 years, we have both struggled with spirituality and both ended up at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to what we ultimately believe. I am Christian in the sense that I believe in God and Jesus and the teaching of Jesus (the real ones, not the churches interpretations, the ones about love and respect and equality for everyone). He does not believe in anything spiritual at all.

I think what makes us work is that we both believe in what I think the message of Christianity is (or should be). Love, respect and equality for everyone. Treating other how you would want to be treated, being honest and sympathetic to everyone, even those that you don't understand or agree with.

We don't have children now, but we will one day. We have decided to raise them with these beliefs, and later, when they are old enough to understand, explain the difference between my faith and his beliefs.

I guess my point is that any couple with very different religious beliefs can make it work if they have the same views about how to live. My family was always very concerned about my relationship (as we are "unevenly yolked"), but I'm proud of it, because I think we're a perfect example of what communication and true love can do to a relationship.

Robin said...

I've been through the same transformation, and I think it's encouraging to that you make your feelings about the 'loss of religion' so transparent. I remember feeling incredibly alone, at first. I hope that discussions like yours can help people creep out of their comfortable, limited paradigms, and into an enlightening unknown.

The Avilas said...

leave our blog alone. and please take us off you "friends" we no longer consider you one.

skylana said...

Woa intense. Travis was my friend and I'll always consider him a friend, always. That's how I think of my friends. And I have no weird feelings towards either of you. I like reading the posts Travis writes just like I did 2 years ago. I won't comment on your blog if it makes you so mad. Just had thoughts about it, so I commented. Didn't mean to be mean or make you mad. I hope you can forgive me for the way things happened and move on. Not for me, I don't expect anything from either of you, I just mean for yours and travis' sake. I hope that we can all just be fine with each other someday. I know we'll never hang out or be real friends but I wish there wasn't hate there. I know Seth doesn't have any in him for Travis. Anyway, I hope we can all be fine someday, cause eventually we will run into each other again. Sorry for commenting and for everything.   
I wish this wasn't public but I don't really have an option for a response... So sorry it's public.

ParadisoPerDue said...

good for you Skylana. You have to go with what you believe in. I'm so impressed with you! Perhaps we can remain friends either on here or another avenue as I really respect the changes you have made and the person you have become!

skylana said...

leah! hey! yea.. i am not really gonna write on here anymore.. i need to figure out a way to stay in contact with the peeps i dont talk to on the phone but want to stay in touch with now that i dont have a facebook... maybe i should start a new one...

The Avilas said...

Apology was accepted a long time ago. There is no hate here. Just frustration for the lack if respect for my wife and her wishes( and mine) to keep your distance.
We respect the decisions u have made in ur life and hope that you respect ours.

I have total love for Seth and hope someday he and I can be friends again.

Travis

The Avilas said...

Your apology was accepted a long time ago. The frustration comes for the lack of respect for my wife (and myself) and our request for you to keep your distance. We respect that you have made your own decisions in your life and we hope that you can respect ours.

I have a deep love for Seth as well and hope that someday he and I will reconnect.

Please respect us. Both.

Travis

skylana said...

biting my tongue, as hard as i can.