finally free

i'm pretty sure every fragment of every tiny religious christian chain that had held me hostage has been broken, and completely dissolved.

its taken me 4 years to get here and there's not even a small amount of regret, fear, doubt or guilt left. it takes a long time to get the voices of others out of your head, especially when it comes to something as close to the heart as spirituality, especially when you've been hearing things as "absolute truth" for years, especially when those same voices in agreement with each other have had a way of making you feel like you are the crazy one.

it takes a long time to separate yourself from the people you inevitably have to separate from because there is no love, grace, or understanding.

but i'm there.

moving has helped a lot, coming to a place where people have a lot more in common with me has shown me just how tiny my old town is. its amazing to feel like i'm the normal one. for the first time, maybe even in my entire life, i feel like i'm the normal one. its so freeing i can barely describe it. i feel like a new person and i feel completely secure in my beliefs and my life, completely secure in the things that i desire, and completely secure in who i am.

i'm finally to the point where people still wanting and hoping that i will be a christian doesn't bother me. it doesn't threaten me because its not even close to an option for me and i dont feel afraid of that anymore. for a long time i had chosen what i believed or didn't believe but still had this pang of fear that if i'm wrong, i'm screwed, or that all these christians were right, that one day i would "come back" to the "truth" or whatever. i could still be wrong, but i'm not afraid of that anymore because i have come to a place where i truly believe in something, i dont doubt it. i'm not afraid of being made to be a christian again because i realize now i have control over that and i never ever have to call myself something again. ever. when i had been a christian before it was all at the beck and call of others, it was all for them. i felt like from the beginning i was being made to be something i wasn't. i felt like the adults around me had convinced me that this is what i had to know despite what i felt inside. i felt like the ones i wanted around me wouldn't love me if i didn't try to be this thing i wasn't.

its still a bit hard for seth and i because there are some very core things we just dont agree on, things we just dont see eye to eye on and never will. the good thing about us is that we are both understanding and want to understand each other no matter what. its hard to know that there are places that are very important to us where we will just never connect. they're not the most important things in the world but they are important to me and its hard to really realize there is probably no gaining ground on them. there will most likely never be a resolution between us. on one hand that's completely fine, its ok. on the other its a bit sad, its a small loss of a certain connection. i dont know what this is like for other married couples, most the couples i know have the same core beliefs. i'm interested in any of you that dont and want to share how it is for you.

at the same time, i have made friends. friends that are great and friends that i have these connections with, and that means more to me than i could ever express. its been so long since i have felt this kind of true connection when it comes to spirituality and beliefs. i'm so thankful i made my way out of that tiny town i hold so dear, because leaving has brought me back to myself with all masks hung up forever.