Saturday, October 9, 2010

the simple kind of life

There was a time that life was extremely simple.

There was only one path, one option, one way for my life to go. There was only one place to live and straying for even a short time was unthinkable. My friendships were sweet but had never seen the face of heartache, of trial, of war and if for some reason they had our beliefs were there to back us up, to make life easier, and to explain any negatives.

I know there was a small amount of friction between me and this life before my Arabella was born, but the day she was born was really the day my life stopped being simple, in every way. Once she was born my easy beliefs made life harder, and they made life confusing, they weren't enough to encompass what I had just done, who I had just met. Once she was born I needed more depth, more life in my friendships. Once she was born my world was open to every option, and the need in me to have something more was only heightened by the depth of love she showed my heart. I became severely unsettled. The only thing I was settled by was her.

I believe that when you search for more, life gives you more. When you search for depth, life gives you depth. When you welcome life in, true full life that doesn't close it's eyes to the ugly parts, life comes in and it comes in like a tidal wave.

From the time that I decided I wanted more and let my mind and heart feel the unsettle, the longing, the confusion I was on a new path and my simple life would never be able to keep up. I think it's easier to make mistakes on this path, and I surely did. Life got everything but simple from there on out. Every decision was a mountain to climb and every new option and idea of how life could be was overwhelming at first. Seeing people who had chosen so much differently than me, and yet didn't feel like they had sinned, or fallen short, or messed up, was shocking over and over.

How could people just be ok with never getting married? or never having kids? How were people living without religion without a care in the world about it? How were people seeing their friends through losing babies, losing husbands, losing everything without completely falling apart? And without putting all their pain on the false place of "jesus"?

When I lived inside my simple world, I was happy. It was easy to be happy. But I constantly felt wrong. I felt like an octagon dropped into a space made for a circle. It was easy to fit into it, but it wasn't me.

At the same time that I became unsettled, that simple life pushed me out. Through the past 4 years that I've made this painstaking journey out of one way I've moved out of that one town, lost many of those shallow friendships, left behind my narrow beliefs and allowed my path to change, to what is true, to what really fits me. Life was very hard the past four years, and anything but simple.

Now, life is richer than ever.

I feel like I have been through war, and come out victorious. I found who I am, I found depth, I found everything I was looking for. Life isn't supposed to be simple, people change, and that's ok. People are different. We all live different lives and chose different things, and that's ok. We lose babies, we lose marriages, we lose money, we lose religion, and it's all ok. These things happen to all of us at some point and the best thing about all of it for me, is finally being able to truly go through those things and to truly go through them with my friends. I don't feel the need to try and fix it, I don't feel confused at why god let them or me down, I don't feel a false protection from anything. Instead of giving my friends false, empty answers about god making it all better when real things happen, I have something real to offer, and I believe that's what all of this is even for.

I love humanity and I'm so amazed at how strong we are. I'm amazed at what we have to offer. I'm still shocked at how great humans are without needing a god to make them great. If we let ourselves be a part of life and a part of humanity, accepting the pain, accepting the faults and accepting our differences, life is amazingly full.

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