birth canal

does the size of that head compared to the size of that vagina make anyone else feel VERY uncomfortable?

or is it just me?

the closer i get to being at the end (could be any time from wednesday, but lets not get our hopes up) the more i can NOT even WAIT to be normal again, not pregnant and to know that i will be that way for the REST of my life! i feel like i know i'm winning the lottery within the next month or something.... but at the same time i'm just getting bummed that i really do have to do this again. i HAVE to give birth. there's no way around it... well, no healthy way... i'm hoping this one is easier... although i seriously think that arabellas birth was perfect, i mean i felt like it was more than i could have asked for as far as my first experience and it changed my whole life... but it was hard, really really long, really intense, and i tore really really bad.... this time i'm just hoping for an experience like so many women tell me they get to have, fast, tears that aren't crazy, being able to stand up straight afterwards... i want to know what that would be like... and to have that feeling of it being so fast you're in such a fluster, like it takes over you and before you know it, you're done. i had that, but not until the last several hours of my birth (5? maybe longer, i dont know...) i could do without the extra 36 hours of intense pain that wore me out, yet wasn't bad enough to make me feel like i was wasted.. another awesome thing would be NOT pushing for 3 hours.... anyway, we'll see, i dont want to get my hopes up about it being any easier than with ara, although my midwife constantly tells me it will be... i just dont want to hope for that and then be let down. i'm rambling.


but at least this is it. after this i never have to give birth, i never have to be pregnant... ever. i can't even express the feeling that floods my heart when i think about that. its literally the best feeling i think i've EVER had. seth feels the same way. and its only a matter of weeks away! woo hoo! another cool part about this time is that i have only gained half the weight that i gained with ara, which is also the SAME amount i lost giving birth to ara.. wild. i know. i know i wont lose the same amount giving birth this time, but i also know it wont be so hard to get rid of this weight, as i will certainly have less to lose. (with ara i gained 50lbs- that's what happens when you drink a gallon of whole milk every two days, literally a gallon, oh and dont exercise or do ANYthing.- i lost 23 giving birth, and it took me until she was 1 to lose the rest! this time i have gained 25lbs total. awes sauce.)

like arabella always says 'come out nola!!' (but please do it as chill as possible, haa)

bang!

first of all, thank you for all your comments on my last post... thank you to everyone who had the courage to share their experiences on my blog, it really really really means a lot to me to hear your stories and feel the unity that comes from knowing you're not a alone in something. it also means a lot to me to able to share my stories and relate to you guys and hopefully help you all feel like you're not alone either... so thank you.

and secondly...

i cut my lil misses some bangs...

when a mother is no mother at all

where do i even start?

my mother and i are no longer speaking.

this has been a long coming (truly 24 years, but knowingly about 3) decision that i never really wanted to make and have tried very hard to avoid.

i just dont know what a person is to do when they're parent, having actually been no parent at all, seems to be in the most literal sense, crazy. i dont know how to reason with someone that has no reason, and i dont know how to be in a relationship with someone who takes no responsibility in life. i have tried and tried and tried to have a relationship with her, i have tried to understand her... everyone said when i was pregnant with ara 'when you have a kid you'll understand your mother more' but from the moment arabella was born it has only become harder for me to understand a parent like my mother, to understand or find any reason in the things she has said and done (and continues to say and do) to her children. arabella is EVERYTHING to me, and i would do ANYTHING for her. i have changed my whole life for her... so trying to relate those feelings with a woman who feels it is beneficial to blame her child for their being molested seems beyond impossible. ...

besides the feelings of not understanding her, i still have a heart and although i dont respect my mother, she is and always will be my mother. .. and that leaves me open to pain from the things she says or does to me. i am not hurt that she couldn't protect me when i was little, and i'm not angry about it, i understand that she was not able to make good decisions in the state of mind she was in... but i am hurt that when she asked me if i felt like she had protected me and i said no her response was not 'i'm sorry i couldn't protect you, i'm sorry i didn't' her response was 'well you're the one who asked to stay the night in their room' (referring to the person who molested me)... like that means it was my fault because as a 6 year old i wanted to hang out with someone i thought was cool.

its things like this that make me honestly wonder, is there a chemical imbalance that is making her this way? or is this how some people really feel about their children? is this just selfishness? what is it? because i have no way to understand how a person could say such a thing to their daughter.. and honestly this situation is such a tiny tip of a very very large iceberg of things she has said and done to me, my sister and brother and never taken responsibility for but adamantly defended.

after telling me, not is so may words, that me being molested was my fault, and that i 'just need to get over it' she took the liberty of calling my whole family and telling them that i was the one who brought up the conversation and that i wouldn't forgive her.... i dont feel that anyone else should have been brought into the conversation, but now... everyone is... and the story they were told was so far from the truth. if you're wondering at this point why i am writing this on here, it is my way of release, writing... allowing other people into my mind, and sometimes finding people who relate.. etc. i feel like my mind is blown to pieces, i feel like there is no way to make it understand that my mother would do treat me this way.... and yet she always has, so i wonder why its even a shock... is it because i've been hoping for so long for change that i was actually starting to believe it possible? maybe. i lived a life of constantly being manipulated by her and although i have not allowed her to manipulate me these past 3 years (thank God for seth) at times like this i am vulnerable to that... to being manipulated into playing her game, wanting to defend myself to ones she's lying to.. but i have to stop myself, not call them all to explain and trust that i have shown who i am and believe that truth always triumphs in the end.

as hard as all that is, its a lot easier than the task that comes next and will continue to come until somehow it is overcome... and that is understanding that i have no mother, and i never will. feeling the pain of that once again, and allowing it be healed just a little bit more every time. i will never experience the love and safety that so many feel in the arms of their mother, and that's ok i think millions of people have it worse off than me, my life is wonderful.. but that does not change this reality, that i have lived a life never knowing the love of a parent... and it takes a lot to somehow heal from that, because no person, no child should ever live a life like that, its not natural. i am thankful that in all of this i get to step up and be the mother, i get to love my little girls in all the ways i never had, in all the ways i always dreamed of. i get to make a life for them that little skylana would never even think was possible... i have the power to change the cycle, and i will. i will love them, protect them, teach them, hold them, listen to them, appreciate them put their needs above my desires all my life. the reward for me in all of this is that although i may not ever get the love of a parent, in giving it i will understand what that kind of love is, and what it means... what it was supposed to be for me... what its supposed to be for every child... and i really believe that understanding that love is what will continually bring me closer to God and hopefully finding more and more understanding of who he is and what i believe about him.

so after all this, i decided i can no longer allow my mom in our life, arabellas or mine, not forever hopefully, but certainly for now. i tried to find reason in allowing her to be a part of arabellas life for the past two years, because i dont think its good to keep grand kids from their grandparents unless the bad outweighs the good... and after these two years i can see, the bad outweighs the good. if it were just up to seth this probably would have happened a long time ago, its easier for him to see the things that are unhealthy and he has no reason to keep my mother close, except for me... and he has been so great about whatever i needed in this situation and waiting on me and being supportive of me in whatever i wanted to do in regards to my mother... he is the best.

anyway, does anyone else relate to this? i seem to always pick friends who grew up with almost the opposite upbringing than i did... maybe subconsciously surrounding myself with stable people for my benefit.. ha... but seriously, it helps me so much to hear from people who can relate, to know i'm not alone.

religulous

i always liked bill maher but thought he was a little outrageous... but now when i hear him, he sounds a lot like what goes on inside my head. hmm.

i wanna see this

stressssssssful...

so i went to abc this morning, by myself while seth slept in, cause he was in la and got home at 4am...

and usually whether or not i agree with a sermon, they dont really truly bother me. i dont go to church expecting to agree so it doesn't surprise me or make me feel weird when i dont... but today i got a little shocked and it really did bother me.

his talk was about 'protecting marriage' which i'm sure you have all seen around on signs stuck in front yards or up on billboards referring to prop 8... which i'm strongly against... but the fact that i dont agree with his side wasnt even what the issue was. it was more of the fact of how hard he was pressing this view onto every person sitting in that room all while saying some really really inappropriate, disrespectful and hurtful things.

i dont understand in general why this idea of outlawing gay marriage in order to 'protect marriage' really makes sense to anyone. i understand that for a christian church and other religious organizations it goes against what they believe... but that doesn't give them the right to tell other people who they can and cannot love. and as far as protecting marriage... i think things like the bachelor as my friend gabe noted are far more detrimental to the ideas we are forming in our society about marriage than two men or two women who love each other wanting to spend their life together....

some of the points he used to argue this made me so mad because it was just like watching a disease spread as he said words that would only continue to spread prejudice and wrong thinking about how homosexuals are so different from 'us'... like its a war and there are two sides. which is not how it should be....

he said that 'homosexual men are known to be more promiscuous than heterosexual men.'
(this i thought was a prejudice and stereotypical view that i didn't even think people really thought anymore, i mean maybe in the south... but..) and that 'research shows' that even when they are in long term committed relationships they invite more than that one partner into their sexual life, and that this assists in the spread of aids.. and he talked about how a gay couple is not fit to raise children and then went on to relate children being raised by a gay couple to a child raised in a single parent home. he said that if prop 8 is passed 'they will change curriculum in schools to teach children that marriage between two men or two women is ok'....

UM yea they will and THANK GOD... because you know what? people will continue to be gay for as long as the world keeps turning and i hope that if we start teaching children that same sex marriage is 'ok' then not only will children who are gay feel more apt to come out without fear, but over time we can hopefully remove discrimination and the violence that can come along with it from our younger generations...

he also talked about how all sexual intimacy outside of marriage whether gay or straight is wrong... so lets see 'you can't have sex outside of marriage... but you can't get married... so because you are different from me, and i think what i believe is the ultimate truth above what anyone else believes, you shouldn't have sex your whole life, unless you become like me.'

at the end of all of this he said 'we all need to vote because as christians its our responsibility and i can't tell you which way to vote cause its illegal, but i'm pretty sure you know which way i'd like you to vote'. its nice that christians are getting more into voting, i just wish it was because of things more important than the same two issues that they have been clinging to above everything else that wont change in the end anyway....

its very hard to watch someone have that much power. to be one opinion spoken as 'absolute truth' to a thousand people every week... and not only does he have power because hes a guy in front of a crowd, but he's said to be a man of God and that alone gives his words power, and insures that many wont even question for themselves what he tells them. scary.

my life.

so. i finished the twilight series last night! whooo hoooo

spoiler alert--- dont read if you're not done


i'm so happy that everything finally turned out wonderful... and i love how bella had her baby and then became this kick ass woman who saves her family and friends. when she was human she was all clumsy and edward and everyone else had to always be protecting her, so it was so awesome that she was the one to protect them in the end... loved it.

anyway... also i was having a nervous breakdown morning, and then i talked to my mother, which usually doesn't go well. it made it much much worse. ... but my neighbor/friend who i am so greatful for came over and helped me hug it out... (which, to any of you who know me, im sure is a TOTAL shock... that I needed a hug! wild.) then she offered to have ara over for a while.

i went to slo while her and her husband watched ara (so amazing of them. cause who wants to give up part of their saturday with their husband to watch a tiny monster for their crazy neighbor?) and it was the best thing that has happened to me in a VERY VERY long time. it was so awesome to feel like i was skylana and not arabellas mom. to sit and watch people walking by and just think and not feel crazy for one second... i mean to just be able to sit in public and not run after someone, to listen to whatever i wanted to listen to in the car, to not have to keep her entertained while driving, to be able to just get out of the car and walk- not get ANYthing out, to not have to push a stroller or walk ridiculously slow and stop at every interesting little thing on the ground, to eat and not have a whole table to clean up and little hands to wipe, to go into a store and not be looking as fast aas possible so no one gets impatient.. it was a feeling i can't even describe, and that i had forgotten existed.

it was the best.

not to mention the tourists i saw wearing matching khaki vests with about 8 pockets on them taking pictures of each other... taking pictures.
that was just the icing on the cake.


i felt like i could have just stayed out until next saturday... but would i really be able to resist coming home to this for long?...

i dont know about you..

but this thing would creep the hell out of me if it was in my house...


how scary when it just wakes up next to her?

my vampire novels didn't give me nightmares, but that 'cub' might.