church

so. i went to church. i know crazy... haha... but i wanted to have a reason to get dressed up in my fluffy skirt and wear my big white hat on easter.

first of all it was our friends erin and karl’s church also josh and flo’s former place of worship haha... and it was at the seventh day adventist building downtown on osos st.... which was the former meeting place of the dreaded X. (aka mercy church). oh the memories that came pouring in and made me freeze in my beautiful outfit. i could feel this boiling of my blood from the un comfort of those walls flowing from the depth of my heart to the tips of my fingers and toes and up through the very top of my head. all before we even sat down. what a mark they have left on me. we happened to sing a song written by the infamous terry page as it so happened, thats when my heart started to ache.... i can’t stand the fact that those things can still affect me. i HATE it. i want to never think of mercy church again, i want to let it fade from my memories, i never want to lay eyes on the pages, (which by the way i happened to just two days before) convenient. ... but i can’t. i can’t just never see them, and i cant just escape the betrayal and hurt that happened to me, obviously by now that is one thing i get. it affected the way i viewed the entire service at this church i was at, which was a COMPLETELY seriously, a completely different church. i mean Presbyterian... which is like the opposite of a vineyard.... and definitely g12.

i dont want to hate church. i dont want to LOVE it exactly, i just want to have peace with it and not mind it. but right now, it makes me mad, STILL! i mean there were things i appreciated about the church, but in my heart i still felt like ’i mean, thats a nice thing to do, for a church.’ like churches are crazy people or something!! ahhh.

anyway i dont really agree or believe in churches or the way modern religion is run, but i want to feel ok about it, like i dont believe in it, but it doesn’t make me feel ANY negative feelings, because in my head i know its not bad, in my head i know its even good for some... i dont have problems with other religions, i mean i dont believe in them, or i would be in them, but i just dont mind them, i think they’re good. but when it comes to christianity i really feel so much anger towards it and feel it is so unjust when it of all religions is supposed to be so just and so compassionate, so pure, so lovely.... like jesus. i guess its just that yea i dont see a whole lot that looks like Jesus in church these days, any church, which wouldn’t be such a big deal cause we’re all just human, but when i look at that through a scarred heart and a spirit that has become hard in defense.... its much harder to take. i want to say that i just want to love, and a huge part of me does, but theres still a little black corner of me that doesn’t want to love christianity, that doesn’t want to accept it or say its ok.

i believe in God, i love him, i love Jesus, but how can i if i dont love people, whether i think they’re right or wrong or unjust.... love doesn’t care. i shouldn’t either.

man those freaking pages. which brings me to the part where i saw them.... and denise comes up and says ’hey beautiful’ like she never yelled at me and called me ungodly, and then never apologized and also lied about it..... why? why can’t people just treat each other the way they really feel? i would never go up to her and say hi, cause i think she’s crazy, and maybe thats mean, but at least its honest. i’d rather be honest then wear a mask of kindness.

see. no love. what a creep.

God how do i love? even when people are being stupid and crazy..... just like me.