Friday, April 11, 2008

hard heart

i always joke about how i never cry when sad things happen and i never get embarrassed or get my feelings hurt because my heart is made of stone.... i know my heart is hard. i mean, how could it not be? but i dont want it to be, i want to love like i used to, trust like i used to, i want to feel everything. im so afraid of being hurt that i have created an impenetrable barrier around my heart and mind. i feel like it starts to come down sometimes but then i notice and quickly and quietly put it back up. i get so used to living with it that i dont even feel it there, i dont think about it until something makes a dent in it and almost gets to me... reading my old live journal is super ridiculous dont get me worng but its amazing to see how open i was to love and feeling life, i know why it changed, i know it was because of all that happened between luke and i when we dated... and its not his fault, its not my fault, it just wasn't right, so it created pain and it changed me. its crazy because there was SO much more before that in my life that should have been what made me so afraid, but it wasn't those things.... for some reason those 2 years with luke are what hardened my heart, so hard... seth knows, he says sometimes how he knows that is what changed me, because before, when him and i were best friends i loved so differently, so completely, so easily, so blindly. he feels like that love, that freedom to feel and simply enjoy life got stolen from me. i know what he means... and i dont know how to get it back, or if i will... how do i learn to trust and love again? i feel so bad because i know i even loved seth differently before i can't even describe the way i loved him and i feel like being so hurt in that relationship with luke made the way i love seth so reserved and so opened eyed, to faults... its like that relationship with luke stole what should have been seths...
i dont know if this will make sense to anyone, but its what i'm thinking.

1 comment:

Flo Oakes said...

Remind me about this post and last post next time we talk...I have too much to write in a blogger comment.