Wednesday, June 25, 2008

she blinded me with science

lately i have been on a long quest to redefine who/what i believe God is and how i believe that applies to life.. i have written some on this but not very much, and i still probably wont write an extensive amount because it is something that could never really be explained by my words... but as far as where i am now...

i'm feeling really good and really hopeful and free. better than ever. i feel like the more i learn about God (or what i believe about him) the more i have to learn and the more free i feel. i have started to believe that God is so much bigger than i ever imagined and everything i find is showing me this. on one hand what i keep seeing makes organized religion look so graceful (so graceful of God to allow i mean) and on the other it makes it look so silly, hollow and seem to more than ever make God incredibly tiny. there are a few major things i have decided i believe they may or may not be true in the end, but they are where i am placing my hope right now.... i believe that there is truth, absolute undying truth at the end of whatever life is... but i dont believe any person can "know", in the true definition of knowing, what the absolute truth is... i think we all get little parts of it believing it is the truth, hoping it is, but never knowing til we reach whatever the 'end' might be. this one change in the way i believed has made life so much more full. it makes discussions among friends so much more rich to me because we can all come to the table saying i dont 'know' whats true, i can only believe, therefore there is room for anyone to be right and anyone to be wrong... and so its easy to coexist. i dont know if all this is making sense because its hard enough for me to convey in person so i can't imagine how its coming across in writing.... anyway i have not come to a new conclusion about jesus being God and the more i search the more that that becomes less of the point and the more it doesn't seem to matter.. also the more it seems unlikely that i will come to that conclusion. although i remain open to it. i started reading varieties of the scientific experience by carl sagan (suggested by kev dog) and though i dont think its what he was trying to do in this book, it is making me believe in God all the more and reminding me that he is so much bigger than we can ever comprehend.... but that is at the same time that it makes me feel less like any organized religion makes any real sense. i just want to know God, i just want to search for him my whole life... i dont want to come to 'definite' conclusions of who he is, i just want to hope and believe and always learn more... i just want to understand why other people believe what they do and find him there... and that is just what i have been doing lately and its the best time of my life.. the scariest, the most peaceful, the deepest, the most hopeful, the most free, the loveliest time.

3 comments:

Sarah said...

have you read shane claiborne's irresistible revolution? I think you'd like it a lot.

Based on my 7 years at a Christian jr and sr high school, when it comes to Jesus being the same as God, I have to spit out the book of John as evidence, cuz that was what i was raised to do, but i understand that line of questioning. i guess for me, the question that i'm struggling with is, is the same God who created the universe the same God as the Christian God? but yeah we'll never truly know until we get "there" wherever "there" is.

skylana said...

i haven't but maybe i'll put it in my queue ... i've got two more after this one... yea i know what people have to say about the bible backing all things.. but its not a valid argument to me because most any argument put forth from the bible can be argued away ... so i have to turn to what is all around me to find who God is, and in doing that i feel farther away from jesus actually being God, though i still really really love who he was and want to live like that. i wish i could have real life conversations about this with all the people who read my blog and want to understand what i'm thinking more. i want to talk in real life and understand them too... its hard over a blog.

sarah said...

exactly, i mean, if you don't believe the Bible is the absolute truth, you can't reference it as proof for anything. first, you'd have to back up the bible and then translate whatever section you want to use from hebrew greek or arabic and make sure you have it in context, cuz you can twist the bible into meaning whatever you want it to say.

yeah it would be awesome to talk in person about this. i don't have answers, lol, but it's always cool to have someone to seek answers with. plus things make a little bit more sense when you discuss it with other people with opinions on spirituality, at least for me.