Saturday, August 23, 2008

worship

this morning i've been listening to music on rhapsody.
at first it was just the usual, you know some good charlotte, smashing pumpkins, xtc, the sundays... and when i was listening to the sundays it reminded me of this super ridiculous amazing time of my life and i started to find music from those times. but the catch is that during these times i listened to nothing but the sundays, zwan, watashi wa and worship music. yikes. 'the times' were when i lived with a girl named skye. it was great... danielle felger was still here, all my best memories are when she lived here, cameron was always at my house cause he had a lil crush on my roommate, so was ryan ratslaff (random), seth and luke always hung out and we would all have pizza that skye made and ride our bikes downtown cause we lived 2 blocks away... we would watch movies and just always hang out. i worked at ahshe, i had just started. me and luke were not going out yet, so the shit haden't hit the fan. me and him and seth were all friends.

*i just have to say that right now arabella is just walking around the living room with her cell phone at her ear 'talking' and saying random names of people she loves like 'fo, kar' which is flo and karl.

anyway.... i started listening to matt redman and tim hughes, and this song called you said by the hillsong people... and as much as i hate what worship music is now, this music still makes me feel things. i mean its music, so thats normal... but i can remember the way i felt about God, and about Jesus... it was so real to me that Jesus was it, i didn't question it, i didn't wonder what else there was, i didn't care if i was wrong cause i was just happy where i was. i know deep in my heart that this is not what i want in life overall... but sometimes i wish i could go back to not wondering, to just believing something, it was so easy and carefree, i could have been completely ignorant thinking i knew it all but who cared cause i was pumped on church and tim hughes.... i just wanted people to get saved and ride bikes and be happy... yea i had no way to relate to anyone outside of san luis obispo, but i didnt need to... i was saved and my boyfriend was a worship leader. score. haha. but seriously, half of me is soooooooooooo thankful that i'm not just a sheep that follows never thinking for myself, that im not willing to just take the views that other people have settled on about God... but the other half wishes i could stop thinking about it and find security in something even though there's no way to know whether its true or not... just trust the people who were before me, the thousands of church members, the people who chose what to put in the bible, pastors. but i cant anymore. i dont even have it in me... the only way i will feel ok believing in God is if i find who he is to me, on my own... and i'm pretty sure this will take the rest of my life. i guess this is why everyone says ignorance is bliss. it is. as much as i hate watching hundreds and hundreds of people listen to one guy knowing that the majority of them will never question what he has told them, at the same time i wish i could sit there mindlessly and believe that would get me to where i wanted to go when i die.

i think its a natural part of growing up to realize that you dont have a true grasp on who the maker of the universe is even though you may have thought you did. to have the realization of just how small you are, but i know a lot of people dont ever go through that part, sometimes im jealous of that. its the same feeling i get about seth and i having fights... i know we talk and fight about things that some married people will never ever discuss and it would be so easy and nice to not talk about that stuff and sometimes i wish we were like that... but in reality i know that our relationship goes so much deeper than it would if we lived that way.

growing up is amazing, because you're not stupid anymore. but its super sucky at the same time.... cause life is all of a sudden crazy, everything that is important changes and the things that are important are more important that anything you ever thought was important before, its kind of a lot of pressure. i wish i still had that thing where whenever you feel pressure or stressed or like its all on you you can just say 'cast your cares upon jesus'... and you feel better cause you dont have responsibility anymore. haha. but really... now it sounds like the biggest cop out ever, but back then it was my stress release.

today i want to go back to 2003. i want to go to the burn service at the vets hall and hear luke lead worship, i want to walk to work downtown at 8 am and smell the coffee cake at lineas and know that san luis obispo is my town, i want to ride my bike with seth on a summer day and pass out fliers at farmers, i want to eat bbq pizza at the buchon house (even though i hate bbq pizza), i wanna hang out with cameron, i wanna lead worship at homegroup, i wanna believe everything luke or denise, or seth or cameron tells me...

on days like this i need to be with someone who understands those times, and since there are only a handful of those people, most of whom are gone or aren't close to me anymore that would normally be almost impossible, except that i married the one person who remembers it the most and misses it just as much i do. thank God.

and with that i will leave you with some images from those days...
thank god for friendster a freakin time capsule.











3 comments:

Karl said...

tell ara i'm sorry i missed her call. i'll call her back tomorrow.

Sarah Lam said...

yeah i totally know what you mean about wishing you could just believe it because you didn't think to ask why.

but it's better this way, i think. if it is truly the truth, it can stand up to questioning. seek and ye shall...

Gombojav Tribe said...

We all go through this at one time or another, Skylana. May God restore to you the joy of your salvation.

Love,
Daja