Tuesday, October 28, 2008

miss sneed.

i know, doesn't sound too appetizing, but that was me before i was mrs roberts.

and last night i was thinking about that me.

we went to see deathcab for cutie and his voice took me back, and while i felt the world change around me swirling in my mind through booboos downtown to mornings at ahshe to a ride in the car with a friend named polly on the other side of the country and landing in a small house in morro bay where my heart was shattered by love and then found again by my best friend.... i just had that deep realization of the separation of the skylana i've always been, the one i know inside and the one arabella will know.

there's of course the difference of who i actually am in contrast to who i was before i had a child, but theres even more of a difference in what i see about who i am and what she will see through her perspective. and i am sure the two are drastically different.... at least i hope they will be. its crazy that one of the people i love most in the entire world may never know most parts of me, and its good that way i think.... its just the weirdest feeling. knowing i will know her better than anyone all the time she grows up and know all the memories of her life and she'll only know a tiny fraction of me.

dont get me wrong when i say i want her perspective to be different than mine, because i obviously am a big fan of myself, its not like i dont like me and i want her to like me... but i want her to be a big fan in a different way. i like who i am very much, but i see all my faults very clearly and i see how mean i can be ... i want her to like me very much but having never experienced my meanness. i dont mind her seeing my faults, but i know my faults in her eyes will be so different and i know i wont ever even understand the way she sees me... i do know that the kind of mother i am and will be will give her a perspective of me that i could never contain myself and that i am beyond grateful for already... to know that someone will see me as love, as safe, as a protector, as a friend, as someone they look up too and hopefully even a hero, it feels a little sneaky of me... like i'm tricking her. but really i believe that the person she sees, that's the true me because if there has ever been anyone that i have been myself to all the true parts of my heart without the dust left from life and pain, its her.

its so crazy to find the balance every day between who i am inside as skylana, separate from seth, from arabella, from anyone or anything and the mother of arabella, and the wife of seth.... i am all of those things wrapped into one and on one hand they blend so harmoniously it seems flawless and then on the other hand they fight each other. some days i find the balance, but most days if something gets lost its the skylana i know... and although i'm glad for that to be the one neglected more than the others its the strangest feeling to feel separated from yourself in order to love the ones you need the most. i know that the more time goes on and the more time i have i will connect to that skylana again... but for now it is a balancing act and a beautiful dance where the life of my childhood, the young woman i was and the strong woman i become more of every day are being woven together over and over in unique patterns to make a complicated and wonderful person.

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