Tuesday, December 30, 2008

depression session- as E put it.

erin used the phrase 'depression session' the other day and i like it. it fits me that's for sure.

i hate complaining about my life, because i know how lucky or blessed i am.

but that doesn't make me able to change how i feel. i'm depressed. i have been for a while and i have my happy times or moments... but i just need to get out of the house soooooo bad. its wearing on me.. i've just been thinking about how much i want to work and i was talking to one of my friends today about how women are always one upping each other on how what they do is sooo much harder than what the other does... and i just think its sooo silly how working mothers act like that's so much harder than the job stay at home moms do, and stay at home moms feel like what they do is so much harder than moms who work.... i think what's 'harder' just depends on who you are, and really can't be compared. its harder for me to be a stay at home mom, because its not what makes me happy and i feel stressed and alone this way. its harder for people i know to work because its not what they want and they miss their children... so either way it all just depends on what you want and what makes you happy.

its hard to feel like all i want is to get a job and spend time away and have NO way to really do that. nola is just too young and as much as i want that i'm not willing to forfeit the beginnings of her life to benefit myself. if its not necessary. but its still hard for me.

something that does make me feel a little better lately is seth. he watched arabella and nola last saturday with a friend and ever since he's been blown away. he thought that was the craziest two hours ever and has been telling me ever since how much he appreciates what i do and how he could never do it. (i think he could) he says how if kevin hadn't been there he would have lost it.. anyway something i never thought would come out of anyone's mouth ever came out of seths tonight when he said that he thought i had more patience than him!!! he said that he never thought that til he spent that day with them and he realized that if he could get frustrated in that short amount of time, that its amazing that it takes me weeks before i start losing it. he's always been appreciative of me, but its different now and it means sooo much to me. it encourages me so much to hear how much he believes in me and how amazing he thinks i am for doing the things i do everyday. its getting harder and harder for me everyday to stay at home and take care of them... i dont know what we're going to do in the near future about this or how it will work but at least for now i have someone who loves me, supports me and lavishes compliments on me for now to keep me going. he must be the best.


Flo Oakes said...

I LOVE you and Seth together. There's just no other way to put it.
It's so good.
Love you.

Amanda said...

I remember you writing one time that you are "selfish". I think that you are showing just how unselfish you are by putting Nola's needs before yours.

Just hang in there. You will get through this and look back on it as a challenge that made you stronger.