Wednesday, December 10, 2008

fruit of my womb

haha.

i hate that saying.

but i just have been thinking lately about how i will no longer have any 'fruit' coming from my womb.... and it gives me this feeling i've never had. its hard to explain i think unless you are or have been at this point in your life. its hard for me to hear from people that they're skeptical or that they flat out dont think we are done having kids because its something that is so real and true for me (seth too). anyway there was already the feeling of completion with our family, but now i have this new feeling inside myself... understanding that i am a different woman now somehow... that i have completed a stage in my life and i'm moving forward. i know the feeling will be even different once i'm physically not even able to have kids, but right now its this in between feeling of being a woman who can hold life inside her, but knows she never will again. it sounds sad, but it doesnt make me sad at all. i love it. it feels so right... its so weird the feeling i have this time as opposed to the feeling i had after i had arabella, after her my life was still open to there being another child someday... we would go back and forth about wanting another baby, thinking maybe arabella was all we needed.. but it was never like this. ever. it was never so right and so real. now when i see someone who's pregnant or someone tells me they are it doesn't feel the same. it used to feel like we had this bond because we were in the same phase of life, even when i wasn't pregnant in between the two. there's still the bond of having children of course, but there's this separation now of the stage of life i'm heading into and the one they're just starting or are still in the middle of... its weird. it makes me feel so weird when people will tell us that we 'never know', like there might be another one someday... because to me it feels like if i said 'seth is my husband, i'm going to spend the rest of my life with him' and someone said 'someday you might want two husbands'... it would be like, um... no, this is my husband.... i'm not going to want more and if for some reason i did, i would just work through it because this is the choice i made... it feels like this is our family, complete... and its frustrating because you CAN KNOW. you can choose to never have a baby again and be SURE it wont happen. seth and i are soooo serious. we wont do anything until there are TWO forms of birth control at ALL times and soon one of those will be a vasectomy... and as soon as i'm 30 my tubes are gettin tied too. well, now i'm on a tangent, but i hate how people think its not their control to not have a baby.... it is.

so back to my womb. my womb is closed for business and it feels so good and so right. i have entered a new phase of life and i'm starting to feel it. i love it. i'm excited for it.

7 comments:

hillary tish said...

you go girl!
people are pretty funny that they don't believe you when you tell them your done...
seems like you would know better than them... lol
congrats on completing the "making the fam" stage of your life :) thats awesome

The Avilas said...

it's so great that you are happy and confident with your decision. and you are totally right about people second guessing your decisions. it's super lame. congrats on the next phase

-Trav

Amanda said...

Yay!! I feel that same way right now. I am done!! Whoo Hoo!! I wish more women could be like that. My sister in-law got her tubes tied and she really didn't want to. So now she is wishing she wouldn't have. It's like you made the decision if you didn't really want to do it then you shouldn't have. HELLO!!
Anywho I am glad there are people out there that know what they want.

JessicaToday said...

oh man. people are retarded. no offense to people. when i have people around me that say these kinds of things despite my obvious annoyance and disinterest in any kind of persuasion or input on an issue that is already closed, i have a hard time not telling them to shut it. i guess in the end though its these people who help strengthen our convictions about what we truly want. if anyone really thinks their "suggesting" that you don't make up your mind "just yet" is making any difference with you and your decisions as a mother then they are probably just choosing to live in lala land anyhow. Dont be afraid to throw out a "mind ur business" every once in awhile to nip it in the bud.

E said...

Can you guys come over at 6 or so tonight? We just need one more chance to persuade you into procreating. We're having chili.

skylana said...

e- playing dirty huh? you know right how to get to my womb... that chili just might do the trick.

meg said...

I like the comment that if one day you wanted 2 husbands, you'd just have to get over it cause you made a choice to choose seth...why don't people think the same thing about kids? It makes so much sense when you relate it to a different choice and subsequent consequence...seriously. 2 husbands, yeah, no thanks.