fruit of my womb

haha.

i hate that saying.

but i just have been thinking lately about how i will no longer have any 'fruit' coming from my womb.... and it gives me this feeling i've never had. its hard to explain i think unless you are or have been at this point in your life. its hard for me to hear from people that they're skeptical or that they flat out dont think we are done having kids because its something that is so real and true for me (seth too). anyway there was already the feeling of completion with our family, but now i have this new feeling inside myself... understanding that i am a different woman now somehow... that i have completed a stage in my life and i'm moving forward. i know the feeling will be even different once i'm physically not even able to have kids, but right now its this in between feeling of being a woman who can hold life inside her, but knows she never will again. it sounds sad, but it doesnt make me sad at all. i love it. it feels so right... its so weird the feeling i have this time as opposed to the feeling i had after i had arabella, after her my life was still open to there being another child someday... we would go back and forth about wanting another baby, thinking maybe arabella was all we needed.. but it was never like this. ever. it was never so right and so real. now when i see someone who's pregnant or someone tells me they are it doesn't feel the same. it used to feel like we had this bond because we were in the same phase of life, even when i wasn't pregnant in between the two. there's still the bond of having children of course, but there's this separation now of the stage of life i'm heading into and the one they're just starting or are still in the middle of... its weird. it makes me feel so weird when people will tell us that we 'never know', like there might be another one someday... because to me it feels like if i said 'seth is my husband, i'm going to spend the rest of my life with him' and someone said 'someday you might want two husbands'... it would be like, um... no, this is my husband.... i'm not going to want more and if for some reason i did, i would just work through it because this is the choice i made... it feels like this is our family, complete... and its frustrating because you CAN KNOW. you can choose to never have a baby again and be SURE it wont happen. seth and i are soooo serious. we wont do anything until there are TWO forms of birth control at ALL times and soon one of those will be a vasectomy... and as soon as i'm 30 my tubes are gettin tied too. well, now i'm on a tangent, but i hate how people think its not their control to not have a baby.... it is.

so back to my womb. my womb is closed for business and it feels so good and so right. i have entered a new phase of life and i'm starting to feel it. i love it. i'm excited for it.