Tuesday, February 17, 2009

i'm a bitch


and im ok with that.

yes, i will explain.

i know i say things that come across to some people completely differently than what i meant. i know i say things sometimes in a way that seem super jacked up, but most the time if you take the time to ask me what i meant its not actually jacked up. i dont care if i say something and it hurts someones feelings, unless they care enough to ask me what i meant. i'm not like 'out' to hurt people, i just say what is in my mind the way i think it. im not willing to change this. maybe thats bitchy, maybe it means less people will like me, but the thing is i dont care.

heres why: the way that i express myself with thoughts straight to words is one of the biggest parts of who i am. its like a main thread in the fabric of who i am. sometimes it does suck for me too, but the good outweighs the bad and thats why i wont change this. i do have a filter for very important things, like my best friends and my family... which if we're really close i dont have to use very often, because they get me... they dont need explanations for the things i say or think. they understand its me and they love me.

if i say something and someone tells me it hurt them i will say im sorry that it hurt them... i will think long and hard about whether i would still back what i said even though it hurt, and most the time the answer is yes.

i get that this makes me selfish, in this area, but i dont actually see being selfish as a bad thing. there are times i think it is and times i dont. we all define what we think is selfish and what is not and when its ok to be selfish. but when it comes down to it we are all selfish in our own ways.

i dont expect people to change their opinions or the way they say things to make me feel better, and i dont think i need to change my opinion or how i say it to make others feel more comfortable. the only time i expect this kind of exchange is in close close relationship.

i feel like this past year has really made me realize what is important to me as far as how i interact with people and who i surround myself with. this isn't something i'm just throwing out there, this is something i have spent much time thinking and learning about, trying to understand. trust me i've been through the ringer trying to be something different for people. being separated from christianity, or what it was in the churches i've seen and what it was in the world around me has made me so much more comfortable in my own skin. i think its sad that as a christian i was constantly trying not to be who i really was because it wasn't what 'god wanted' for me... or it was my 'sinful nature'... i dont believe that stuff and i think its ridiculous that people make other people feel that way and say its God. i like who i am, there are things i want to change, and they will. but who i am in nature, who i am inside...i like, and i think if God really did make me, he must like it too... same with you.

i think its funny that people always want to tell me how being this way will make people stop listening or make people not want to be my friend... because number one, if who i am makes you not want to listen to me or like me.. um I DONT WANT YOU TO... and secondly i can't even count how many people like me because im this way, and how many people have written to me and said that they enjoy me being this way. so... you know? we're always going to offend someone in some way, we're all offensive. but why dont we just embrace who we are and worry about ourselves and how we want to express things. i wont worry about how you choose to express yourself and you dont worry about me, if you dont like my ways... turn away.. no ones stopping you.

8 comments:

Shan said...

i love, love, love that dress. great sleeves!

JessicaToday said...

i was hoping you would throw in an example of what you meant. like specifically. are people really that judgmental of you? that sounds like a drag. you dont seem like you intend to hurt anyone to me... you just seem like you say what you think and thats awesome! If people dont like that, then they are used to being coddled and probably cant handle a real person. so screw em.

skylana said...

shan- thanks.. goodwill!

jessica- example?

http://avilafam.blogspot.com/2009/02/what-do-you-think-of-wednesdays_11.html

JessicaToday said...

ok now i see what you mean. you're just not as concerned with pleasing people as others might be. there is NOTHING wrong with that! its annoying when people get mad because a comment is made that they don't think is perfectly politically correct or whatever. dumb.

Will McCabe said...

Well, my wife and I only know you through your blogging and facebook, but one of the reasons we are drawn to you, is your honest approach. Now, while I agree that makes you who you are, my opinion would still be that a filter for sensitive subjects and people's feelings would be a good thing to try and have. The fact that you don't feel the need for that, does not make me like you any less.

We all need to be who we are, but being who we are at the risk of hurting someone else when we know we may be able to temper it, just makes us hurtful. Again, this is my opinion, and differing opinions is what makes life interesting and the search for truth rewarding.

Keep up the good blogging!
-Will

Flo Oakes said...

I like what Will says.
I'm glad to see people on here besides me who love you and your honesty.

Drayden and Mom said...

Wow! I rarely comment. I found your blog through Emery's blog and was completely taken in by your honesty. I am a faithful reader of your blog. I love reading your blog because it makes me feel like a normal human being. I too have been criticized for being opinionated or honest. Keep doing what you're doing. We are a privileged audience who has been able to enjoy your posts whether controversial, funny, or sad. It seemed to be when I read other people's comments when I followed the link that you were under attack. It didn't seem that people were talking about the subject matter anymore. Ignore them..it sucks to live in a bubble.

stina said...

i only read like the first two paragraphs but it seems like i am a bitch, according to some people i know, because of the way i talk too. even down to my voice. which can't change unless i get a voicebox transplant. it's ridiculous.
anyways.
gah!
people should communicate more because then there would prob not be so many misconceptions and intentions and true meanings would be understood.
yeah......