Tuesday, February 17, 2009
i'm a bitch
and im ok with that.
yes, i will explain.
i know i say things that come across to some people completely differently than what i meant. i know i say things sometimes in a way that seem super jacked up, but most the time if you take the time to ask me what i meant its not actually jacked up. i dont care if i say something and it hurts someones feelings, unless they care enough to ask me what i meant. i'm not like 'out' to hurt people, i just say what is in my mind the way i think it. im not willing to change this. maybe thats bitchy, maybe it means less people will like me, but the thing is i dont care.
heres why: the way that i express myself with thoughts straight to words is one of the biggest parts of who i am. its like a main thread in the fabric of who i am. sometimes it does suck for me too, but the good outweighs the bad and thats why i wont change this. i do have a filter for very important things, like my best friends and my family... which if we're really close i dont have to use very often, because they get me... they dont need explanations for the things i say or think. they understand its me and they love me.
if i say something and someone tells me it hurt them i will say im sorry that it hurt them... i will think long and hard about whether i would still back what i said even though it hurt, and most the time the answer is yes.
i get that this makes me selfish, in this area, but i dont actually see being selfish as a bad thing. there are times i think it is and times i dont. we all define what we think is selfish and what is not and when its ok to be selfish. but when it comes down to it we are all selfish in our own ways.
i dont expect people to change their opinions or the way they say things to make me feel better, and i dont think i need to change my opinion or how i say it to make others feel more comfortable. the only time i expect this kind of exchange is in close close relationship.
i feel like this past year has really made me realize what is important to me as far as how i interact with people and who i surround myself with. this isn't something i'm just throwing out there, this is something i have spent much time thinking and learning about, trying to understand. trust me i've been through the ringer trying to be something different for people. being separated from christianity, or what it was in the churches i've seen and what it was in the world around me has made me so much more comfortable in my own skin. i think its sad that as a christian i was constantly trying not to be who i really was because it wasn't what 'god wanted' for me... or it was my 'sinful nature'... i dont believe that stuff and i think its ridiculous that people make other people feel that way and say its God. i like who i am, there are things i want to change, and they will. but who i am in nature, who i am inside...i like, and i think if God really did make me, he must like it too... same with you.
i think its funny that people always want to tell me how being this way will make people stop listening or make people not want to be my friend... because number one, if who i am makes you not want to listen to me or like me.. um I DONT WANT YOU TO... and secondly i can't even count how many people like me because im this way, and how many people have written to me and said that they enjoy me being this way. so... you know? we're always going to offend someone in some way, we're all offensive. but why dont we just embrace who we are and worry about ourselves and how we want to express things. i wont worry about how you choose to express yourself and you dont worry about me, if you dont like my ways... turn away.. no ones stopping you.