Tuesday, February 10, 2009

unaffected.

i wanna be unaffected by things.

remember how i mentioned that i hate luke recently? well... i am just realizing that a lot of the stuff i didn't talk about on here when i wrote that post is me getting through my hate for luke.

i know it sounds crazy that i still hate him, it sounds crazy that i would still have anything to get past when it comes to him.. believe me i know because if anyone thinks its stupid, its me. i dont want to be affected by my past, i HATE when i realize that any part of my past has created a negative thing in me. it makes me crazy.

.. but this i cannot deny.

before i dated luke i met seth. we were the very best of friends, and i dont know if there is a way that i could ever describe the way i looked at seth. no one has understood it but him, because its the way he saw me. i loved him in every way. there was not one thing i didn't like about him. i didn't notice a single annoying habit. i was as proud of him as a mother would be and i knew i needed him in my life. i would have done anything for him in the world. i thought everything he made or did was the most amazing thing i had ever seen. in my mind he was a complete genius... plus the most wonderful person who had ever walked the planet. yet, i did not feel romantic about him.

enter luke.

there are so many ways that luke stole that love from seth.

he would talk about all the things that annoyed him about seth, things i never would have thought of, but after a year and a half of hearing about couldnt get out of my mind. he made me feel like i needed to try and not love seth so much, which i understand on his side.. but that affected how i loved him then and until now... and the biggest way, which none of us would have known at the time would affect seth, was the way he broke my heart knowingly. he made me hate romance. he knew how much i loved him, he would tell me he could never love me that much and i would say it was ok, because he was like a drug to me, i didnt know what i would do without it... that was my best option... to love him with him loving me just barely enough. and he would say 'ok'. he would constantly tell me he didnt want me to be the way i was, and tell me how he did want me to be.

* a little insight into me.. before luke and i, i dated another person who told me i was stupid our entire relationship, so if you think i'm conceited now i'm sorry but the reason i embrace myself so wholly now is because i decided i would never feel shitty about who i was again and never let anyone else make me not like me.


now, you have to understand that the way i loved him, was crazy. i dont even know why i would love someone like him, that much. it doesn't make sense to me now. i gave him everything i had in me. and i was romantic, so romantic. i made cards for him, i gave him wonderful presents, i wrote him songs, i would do anything for him. even stop talking to seth. i believed we were going to get married, with every fiber of my being, i thought he would be my husband.

and in the end, it meant nothing.. maybe less than nothing even because he not only didn't appreciate it, but he didn't like it. wasted love. completely wasted.

we started to fight a lot, mostly about church and how i wasnt what he wanted. we talked it all out for a week, almost every day and that next monday he gave me a card that said he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. on friday he picked me up from my work christmas party took me home, ate my food, let me give him a manicure (cause i was in cosmetology school) then broke up with me.

i begged him not to leave me. literally begged. my biggest regret, besides ever dating him. i begged him to wait until after christmas, just so it wouldn't suck. i asked him to just pretend for a little while so everyone wouldn't see. he left.

the next morning we had coffee and he said he knew we couldnt be together now, but he didn't know how he would feel three months down the line. i wasn't going to be a fool this time. we dated once before and he had told me the same thing, only that time i ate it up. we tried to stay friends, but it didn't work. and just like that luke died. i have never seen the same luke again.

i had to tell myself to get out of bed out loud in the mornings after that. i felt dead. i spent all my time at the beach, praying and crying. i had let my friends get lost in the mix, because i only spent time with him. i was alone. those times were the darkest times of my life.

i know its wrong to hate him for it. i dont believe he meant to hurt me. we were both young and both stupid. i was stupid for allowing a guy to be that important to me. i was stupid for not loving myself enough to run as fast as i could the second he said he couldn't love me. he was stupid for leading me on. he was stupid for trying to conform me to his standards. that relationship changed me. really really changed me. the people i met after that relationship wouldn't recognize the hopelessly romantic, conservative quiet girl i was when i was with him. i've gotten parts of myself back since then, but there are parts that are still lost and some i wonder will ever come back. it changed me when i was in it in the way that i became quiet and reserved and i followed. it changed me from the moment we broke up in the way that i was then a broken girl, i was afraid of love and i hated romance.

me and seth started dating shortly after that, something i look back on now and realize should have been a lot farther down the road. i never had time to get over what had happened with luke and i, and not only was there the year and half relationship to get past.. there was the 2 years before that that i had been in love with luke alone. ... but 3 months after we broke up, seth and i were dating and 7 months after that, married. it sounds a thousand times more stupid than it seemed in real life when i was in it. i felt like i knew seth was right for me, i knew he would always love me and he was my best friend. i dont know if those were good reasons to marry someone, very selfish if anything. after we got married i would have dreams about luke, i felt terrible. i felt like luke was haunting me, and instead of feeling what i felt and working through it, like you should at the end of a major relationship i tried to talk it down and i ignored it... it worked for a while because so much happened in our life, with music and babies etc i forgot about him and my heart was sealed in that place, not that i didn't show signs of bitterness.

then a little bit ago i met someone who asked me one little question about him. for whatever reason, maybe this was supposed to happen, maybe my time had come... but that question opened the floodgates to every feeling i have had over these past months... and all the feelings stored up from those years.

throughout our marriage there has always been something missing in the way i love seth. its that part of my heart. i've closed myself off to romance and it terrifies me. i push him away when he is too sweet and i dont dare do the little romantic things i have done in my past. i have never been able to look at seth the way i did before luke showed up. i have never been able to see him as that best friend and love him the way i did. i get glimpses of it when i see him play music, when i can pretend that nothing happened, nothing changed and we're still teenagers riding bikes and dancing at shows.

i wasted all that love and all that romance on luke and it made me too scared to let it back in for my husband.

there has been a lot going on in my life and people i've met that i believe are somehow for this. its hard to explain and something i'd actually rather not share with everyone, shocking i know. in order to love seth the way he deserves i have to get past, my past.. and in order to get past it i have to get over luke, i have to forgive him, forgive me and conquer my fear of love. i dont know how this will end up, i dont get how it will change because inside i feel so much anger and so much hate, it brings me to tears. i feel like i need to reject and hurt so somehow i can make up for my broken heart. i believe though, that it will heal, somehow it will heal because i know i'm strong and i always find a way through.

i know a lot of this isn't pretty, its not nice to hear that someone can hate so much, its not nice that i would talk about luke and the things he did... its not nice that he did the things he did. but its real and its life and somehow, its good.

5 comments:

The Avilas said...

so good.

kimberlea said...

Thank you for posting this part of your story. I identify with a lot of what you've said. When I was 19 I fell in love with a man who said he loved me but constantly failed me. After a year, I walked away. I still don't know why I needed him but something in me needed love so badly I was willing to ignore obvious signs of trouble. I didn't care that he couldn't love me fully...I didn't care that he loved drugs and alcohol more. The first four months after I left him were some of the darkest days of my life. I layed on the couch all the time, had to force myself to go to class and only ate bean burritos (sick!). After counseling, a lot of prayer, amazing friends, and a shit ton of journaling I found myself again. I've forgiven him. But there are still times that I hate that he will forever be a part of who I am, a part of my story. I hate that I allowed myself to be isolated and fully consumed by him.

It's ugly and messy but I've come to embrace it as part of my story; part of who I am. I don't know what forgiveness will look like in your life but know that it's possible. Know that you aren't alone. It is absolutely possible to regain every part of yourself.

Shan said...

i can relate...
you should check out a friend of mines blog, she's a great writer and she did a post last year on forgiveness (forgiving her ex-husband/his mistress). it's deep.
i hope this link works:
http://toooooomanyboyz.wordpress.com/2007/11/29/an-unexpected-friendship/
...if it doesn't work just go to her blog (http://toooooomanyboyz.wordpress.com) & you can either search "forgiveness" or just go back to nov. 29th 2007 & dec. 1st 2007.
enjoy. ~s

stina said...

i first wrote to you when i saw your icon on lakes myspace of your wedding picture. i told you how i was planning my wedding and loved your pictures.
the guy that was all for was lokahi. when you write about what you're going through with stuff with luke, it sounds so much like me and lokahi.
tonight i was driving.
i realized how desperately i still need to forgive him.
i still don't know how.
and i'm still single.
i'm afraid i'll be a cynic all my life...me and love/romance are like the wrong sides of magnets trying to go together...'polor opposites' or whatever it is.

anyway. just saying i can kind of relate even though that doesn't help the healing process really and also it kind of helps me, seeing what you've written, to process my own mess.

meg said...

this is a lot to digest, but I just wanted to say hey and let you know this is crazy tough and in the end this is a really healthy thing.