Monday, April 27, 2009

one is silver, the other gold.

personally i think they're all platinum.

i've made some new friends down here who are kicking my ass. i'm in love with them. for me, insta friends are my favorite kind... because i dont like work especially when it comes to relationships. haha. seriously i dont.

my theory has been that there is a level of work i will not rise above. like ok, if i have to work just this hard to be this persons friend, perfect i can do that.. any harder.. nope... cause i could just find an equally as cool person and work less. that was the theory.... and actually for a long time, its worked very well. i have weeded out a lot of people, most of whom i thank my lucky stars (ok my theory) that i did, cause they're kinda shitty people. ... but there are some who could have added more facets to my life. i could have learned more from what they had to give and i didn't, cause i didn't want to work.

i still certainly have a limit, but for the sake of love, it has lowered a bit. (just as a disclaimer: this is NO way has anything to do with what i wrote about yesterday or seth and i, just to avoid confusion)

i have been trying to learn the art of balancing who i am with who my friends are for years of course... and its very hard when the rough parts of each other start to round your corners. that sounds pretty sexual. its not.

i have a dear dear dear friend who means more to me than most people in the entire world, he is my family and we have had a very very hard time getting comfy. this is a person that i have not changed for although i loved him, but stayed friends with because i could never not be friends.

i have another friend that comes naturally, but there are 'issues' you could call them that make life as friends incredibly difficult.. they make me want to run away shut down, push away and even hate... all to protect myself.

and i have a new friend, nothing could be easier. easy easy easy. somehow this friend has communicated this balance to me in a way i have never understood, and showed it to me.

i had begun to live my life as though my honesty was what i was made of. thats it. i'm honest, there is nothing more valuable about me than this.

growing up in a home where you are not taught to thrive, you are only taught to survive, you create a very destructive habit.

i have overcome a lot of areas in my life where i would have only been able to survive and i have thrived... but in the area of bending... there would be no bending. bending meant death.

being honest is a VERY important part of who i am, no doubt. this wont change, ever. but... is it more important than my very dear friend feeling loved, understood and cared for by me? is it more important than overcoming the issues, than possibly being hurt for the sake of a wonderful friend? and is it all i have to offer to the point that i can't bend on it or i will lose myself? the answer is no, in all cases.

for the first time i am realizing that there was insecurity in me somewhere... where i felt like me being honest was all i had, i had to cling to it and if i let it go i would lose me. now i am realizing i will be a better person and my life will be better and work better for me if i can learn to bend when necessary for the ones i love. there will be more peace, more love and actually not less of me but more of a better me.

another facet has been created in my heart.

and it is good.

the funniest part of it, is now, it doesn't feel like work.

*two side thoughts im having while writing this:
hows my freaking grammar? sick
this is a huge revelation, and its interesting how im having more of those than ever SEPARATE from jesus and god. interesting.

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