home

the most home i have ever felt is in the connection from my heart to an others. from my heart to my friends hearts. my friends have always been my family and have always been where i feel at home. like i said earlier this week i'm not quite sure about what is going on with me, there are some specific things that have happened that have tripped out my mind and made my heart ache. i have felt on the defense, like i happen to be a lot and maybe that's why i craved being alone. i dont have to defend myself, against myself. i'll always love me, always think the best of me, always know what's in my heart. now i'm ready to not be alone all the time, but the people i want around me are far. i need some florence in my life, i need a bit of erin lundeen and a heep of mrs. biermann. i need my old friends who know who i am, who love me and bring hope and life into my heart. its hard because i'm not a phone person, neither are the erins and although flo is we miss each other time and time again. i hung out with brook on monday but they practically still live in slo, so there isn't much time to see each other. the only friend i had down here who has known me since i was little is off the friend market right now, which is really a bummer cause i could use that kind of familiarity. my heart feels like a compass that can't find the north. for the first time since i can even remember tonight i really just wanted seth to hug me, hold me and let me cry (if you know me, you know this means something serious). he couldn't though, he had a party in hollywood. so here i am, home alone, which usually i love and tonight i dont. more than anything in the world i want to call up one of my favorite people in the world and have them come over... or all of them. instead, i'm gonna drink some wine, probably cry and watch a movie. its like i really am a girl.