torn cocoon

i feel like my warm place is gone.

thats why i shouldn't have said it.

i shouldn't have let anyone into my cocoon.

now its torn, i want to be alone and i dont want to feel lonely. i'm confused. i feel like i've regressed. i'm 16 year old skylana, 19 year old skylana. my words dont make sense and i can't write what's going on. i dont know how to cope when i can't write, but theres a block. i just sit there with my pen in my hand and there's nothing. i doodle because my words can't do anything justice. there's space in my mind that i dont know how to feel comfort in, and there's places that are too full to manage.

sometimes i think i'm a person who is doomed to live on the edge of reason for the rest of my life. to always be almost right there, almost normal, almost make sense.... but destined to stand on the edge of a cliff, with no bridge, no way to reconcile. i feel foreign in my own skin. i feel unfamiliar and not relateable. mostly i feel lonely.

but i dont want anyone near. i want to push everyone away, although i know i'm not capable. maybe i'll learn how. is this because i want to feel the lonliness? i want to feel my pain? i dont understand. i understand nothing inside me, which is something i am not used to. i feel very lost.