previous life

so one of the other things that has started to change about my beliefs is i think i'm beginning to really believe in past lives... so i guess reincarnation. i watched a documentary about this a while ago, and it was crazy... then i watched the whole oprah thing about it.. which was cool but could all just be alloted to other stuff.... but i've heard and seen other stories since then that dont seem to have another explanation. plus i'm starting to see how that could make so much more sense... we dont learn all we need in one lifetime, and maybe Gods way of really teaching us to love each other and truly have compassion and understand each other is by allowing us to see life literally through each others eyes... and in the end our souls are so filled with the experiences from all these perspectives we have gained endless compassion for each other and an understanding of God that we could not have if we only ever saw him from one side. maybe that's why some people are filled with hate and no understanding, they are new souls... maybe thats why some children seem so wise even when they are so small... maybe that's why people have irrational fears... from their other lives... the more i think and look into this the more it makes sense to me.

what do you all think?

i might not respond to comments about this just because its too hard of a subject to have a real conversation about online, but i would love to hear others ideas and reasons.

learning her colors

learning her colors.



i wanted to download her rendition of her two favorite songs 'hot dog' from mickey mouse club and 'feeling good with jojo' from feeling good with jojo and 'patting' along to little einsteins, but the file is too big and too hard to compress cause i dont want to take the time. gross that she likes all of those... but when you have a child who consistently wakes up at 6 am and immediately climbs onto your belly and puts her face in yours trying to lick you, the disney channel becomes your good friend. anyway she pulled this little white end table to the middle of the room at erin and karls, got on top of it and started performing those songs while dancing and clapping for me and soren... here's the only picture i got ...




and also an update picture of me and nola.
~22 weeks.

she blinded me with science

lately i have been on a long quest to redefine who/what i believe God is and how i believe that applies to life.. i have written some on this but not very much, and i still probably wont write an extensive amount because it is something that could never really be explained by my words... but as far as where i am now...

i'm feeling really good and really hopeful and free. better than ever. i feel like the more i learn about God (or what i believe about him) the more i have to learn and the more free i feel. i have started to believe that God is so much bigger than i ever imagined and everything i find is showing me this. on one hand what i keep seeing makes organized religion look so graceful (so graceful of God to allow i mean) and on the other it makes it look so silly, hollow and seem to more than ever make God incredibly tiny. there are a few major things i have decided i believe they may or may not be true in the end, but they are where i am placing my hope right now.... i believe that there is truth, absolute undying truth at the end of whatever life is... but i dont believe any person can "know", in the true definition of knowing, what the absolute truth is... i think we all get little parts of it believing it is the truth, hoping it is, but never knowing til we reach whatever the 'end' might be. this one change in the way i believed has made life so much more full. it makes discussions among friends so much more rich to me because we can all come to the table saying i dont 'know' whats true, i can only believe, therefore there is room for anyone to be right and anyone to be wrong... and so its easy to coexist. i dont know if all this is making sense because its hard enough for me to convey in person so i can't imagine how its coming across in writing.... anyway i have not come to a new conclusion about jesus being God and the more i search the more that that becomes less of the point and the more it doesn't seem to matter.. also the more it seems unlikely that i will come to that conclusion. although i remain open to it. i started reading varieties of the scientific experience by carl sagan (suggested by kev dog) and though i dont think its what he was trying to do in this book, it is making me believe in God all the more and reminding me that he is so much bigger than we can ever comprehend.... but that is at the same time that it makes me feel less like any organized religion makes any real sense. i just want to know God, i just want to search for him my whole life... i dont want to come to 'definite' conclusions of who he is, i just want to hope and believe and always learn more... i just want to understand why other people believe what they do and find him there... and that is just what i have been doing lately and its the best time of my life.. the scariest, the most peaceful, the deepest, the most hopeful, the most free, the loveliest time.

water tutsie.

this morning seth brought ara in our room she ran to my side of the bed grabbed my phone, without even one look at me and said 'e kar, e kar' which means she wanted to call erin and karl... i said 'they arent up yet, because their baby doesn't wake up at 6:30, sorry'

also she has this new walk she always does that she thinks is so funny, it looks like an old man with a cane or something, i'm going to try to get it on video.

and crazy... we watched sesame street for like the second time EVER the other day, then we were at the thrift store, she saw a stuffed animal of elmo and said 'elmo, elmo' !!!! that is too much.

oh also i forgot to add that her new favorite food is cottage cheese AND vanilla yogurt... either trading them every other bite, or mixing them... she came up with it and she loves it. yuck. i do love though that her favorite foods are cottage cheese (definitely number one) beans, avocado, broccoli, whole wheat pasta and yogurt. what a good lil muffin.

baby doll bed sheets

here are those bed sheets... i wish i took before pictures because it was just dark from rust and the bed part was just a piece of wood with no cover...

days like this...

make me feel on top of the world.

its 11:21 and today i have:

gone to the gym
sorted all of arabellas toys and gotten rid of some
took her toys to the good will
done my chores
took some stuff to our storage
got her a picture book for the endless amount of pictures of friends she had in her toy box
got sand paper so i can clean rust off a doll bed that was mine when i was little (which i'm headed to do right after this blog, and i'm going to make baby sheets for it)
went to the store

when we got back she went to sleep and i ate! yay... now to make that bed sheet and clean the bed... then i got one erin at 2 and one at 4 :)

name me

this time we decided to name our baby and tell people. with ara i wouldn't even name her until she was born, we had basically chosen her name but i was too afraid of changing my mind to say it out loud until she was born. this time not only was i less crazy about naming her to begin with, i dont mind at all about telling people. with arabella i was so particular and crazy about the perfect name it had to start with an A end in an A, mean something really important and be long and pretty and also unique. this time i just wanted something cute and maybe old fashioned... i wanted it to mean something nice but not necessarily something super deep.... any who we named her

nola chlo roberts


nola- small bell

chlo- blooming

chlo is from seth's grandmother on his mothers side.. she spelled hers chloe but to save people from constantly asking us if its chlo-e we decided to take off the e... and also because just naturally when i read chloe i read it chlo-e...... we might change our minds about that, still on the fence... but that is the tiny one's name

band

halfway mark.....

except i know its only just begun.

20 weeks

exercise

im not sure if i wrote about this or not but when i found out i was pregnant i was running 3 miles a day and i kept doing it until about week 8 and because i was feeling so sick i didn't do anything... so then by the time i was better with morning sickness i got the flu around so then when it was all over i was out of my routine and didn't go back... but seth and i have started back up because he got a gym membership also which gets me to want to go more and i'm back to just over 2 and a half miles! yay... its been so nice and my body went back to the workout regimen pretty easy which is weird cause usually it would take me longer to get back into it and i thought my muscles and ligaments would hurt a lot because i'm pregnant but they haven't hurt... anyway i'm just really excited because when i got pregnant i wanted to exercise this time but then when i got sick i was really discouraged and i thought i might not... they say women who exercise during their pregnancy have easier labors... so hopefully this time will be A LOT easier ;)

stomach ache

i found my new favorite website

i know i pick on them a lot, but it comes with the territory.

i just want to know when church stopped giving all they had to the poor, hungry, widows, and orphans and started asking for money for big buildings.... nice.

dont worry i did take notice that this page talks about how they give to the hungry and poor, but i find it interesting that this is the only page having to do with their entire website that does....


i have to hand it to them, they know how to get what they want and they've got good strategies.

oh the politics of church.

baby girl, i love you.

so as most of you who read my blog know, being pregnant was not what i was expecting and i have been having a very hard time coming to terms with the fact that this is happening.... i believe that this was right and that God knew better than we did, but that doesn't really make it any easier to let go of the things i will have to let go of in order to make room for this new adventure. when i found out i was pregnant my heart ached for so many reasons, the loss of a dream for seth, the loss of a dream so to speak for me.... when i was little i didn't have a very delightful childhood, it was mostly spent trying to survive but there was a time that i remember better than anything in my life. i was about 2 - 4 during these years that i love so much and during those times my mother was doing really well we had a family and she stayed home every day... i remember climbing trees in the backyard, her playing peek a boo with me while she was doing laundry in the garage, going to mervyns... A LOT. haha, getting hot dogs at cupids for lunch and feeding part of our buns to the birds, watching sesame street in the morning, i loved being up as early as my mom, while it was still dark outside i would lay on the couch still sleepy and she would make her coffee in the kitchen with the overhead oven light on. i still put my oven light on to remind me of those times. anyway these years of my life were very, maybe even the most important years i can remember, the being alone with her and being a little girl... and when i found out i was pregnant ara was just getting to that age where it was me and her hanging out, not just me and a baby. i realized soon after i found out that i was pregnant that not only were these special alone times with her everyday going to be over soon, but that she probably wont remember them. i know that her childhood will be wonderful and it will be so good for all her childhood memories to have her little sister in them, that will be her special time.... but this means i have to let go of that dream i had of making those memories with her.... there will be another there with us. i know in the end that this is right and it is better for her and i, but it is not what i was dreaming about and getting excited for.... its not what i was ready for at all..... so its time for me to say good bye to what i had pictured and open my heart to what is, what is real, what is good and what is right.. but thats not as easy as it may seem, and for now i am sad. for now i have to feel sad for that dream i have to feel sad that i have to let it go. i feel sad for letting all the other things i had just gotten back that i was excited about too... like being able to go out with my friends, to be able to have a drink and not worry about milk, feeling like myself in stead of a crazy hormonal milk supplier, being my normal weight, sleeping all night, not having a baby. ha... but really all those things were finally over and i was so ready for them to be and so thankful to be in that new place and back to myself, it had been so long since i had really felt like skylana and not just arabellas mom/food. and in one moment it was all gone, ... for the next year and a half to two years... that's a long time when you dont feel ready and when you've only been back to the good things for a month (after about 2 years of the crazyness)..... anyway all this is just to say that right now i am sad still and it may take this whole pregnancy for me to get ready for this baby and it may take this whole pregnancy to get excited or to feel real love... but i believe that that is ok, it is even good... it makes me feel closer to God and closer to seth and cherish every moment i spend with arabella now. so when people ask me if i am excited i dont have the answer they want, because no, i am not... i know i will be sometime but i'm not now yes STILL after almost 5 months , and it might be the same at 9 months, but when i say how i feel (because i'm not the faking happy type) i'm just really sick of hearing 'but it will be good when the baby gets here' or ' you'll love it when you see it' or whatever it just makes me feel even more depressed and bummed out... because i know i will love this baby, i know it is good but if i dont get there on my own by going through this sadness then it doesnt matter because i haven't gained what i need to from being human and feeling pain and grief to get to what's good. those statements just write off this huge thing in my life that is changing my whole world. and i'm sure its just that people dont know what to say, but its ok sometimes to say nothing... its ok to let someone feel sad, even if its uncomfortable.

i just get the feeling that people think you should only feel happy in this situation and just say 'oh well, it'll be good' but its not like some random thing that doesn't really matter that was not expected but can be fun.... its a human being, its your life, its your husbands life, its your childs life.... and its real... it may not be exciting and happy and super great and easy but that doesnt mean its not ok. its ok to feel sad, or angry or whatever at times, i believe God puts us in those places and wants us to feel those things so we can learn.... and that's where i am, it is hard and it is good, it is sad and sometimes lonely but it is full of God and full of hope.

i do love this baby and somehow i feel like all the things i feel are separate from the baby itself.... but it will still take me time to really reconcile all of that and be excited for this child even though there are things i cant be excited about....

ok. well anyway.... that's where i am, and i know i'm headed to a good place.

little sister

yep, arabellas getting a little sister.

there ya have it.







* and i just have to write this so that hopefully it wont happen as much, and also cause its chappin my ass, but if you are thinking of talking to me about how much crazier it is to have girls than boys or how i'm probably gonna have a tom boy cause i dont want that to happen then dont talk to me.... i'll probably just turn around and walk away from you.

place your bets

a hand and a profile

booty baby

so..... arabella normally goes to bed at 6:30 every night... on very rare occasions she will fall asleep early, like if we have to go in the car at like 5.. this happened tonight, and any other time this has happened she sleeps til the morning, tonight she woke up at 7:30 from falling out of bed.. which was the first time.... she told me she had an owie on her booty... and she did, a rash from too much bran.... this seems to be one of the worst, she was crying like she never cries and WOULD NOT go back to bed, i put some stuff on and have been letting her sit with me since then, she seems a bit better but is not ready for bed... oh yea and she got up for a minute went into the bathroom and dunked her bear in the toilet (which she never ever plays with, the toilet, not the bear) and then 'dryed' him off with one of my microfiber rags... i think she thought she was giving him a bath bless her heart.... so she's climbing into my lap now..... oh and seth isn't here.

beach day!

we took ara to the beach today and it was AMAZING. i actually went in the ocean! which, if you know me, is insane.... she was obsessed with the water, which isnt surprising because she loves her bath, the pool and sticking her face into water any chance she gets... it was all we could do just to keep her from running full speed into the waves... seriously. she couldn't even wait for the next wave after one was starting to pull back... then we played in the sand for a long time and made castles... she loved every second of the day there and we loved watching her..... what a perfect day.

i added pictures of our day to the lil poopie album on my myspace, if you have an account ... myspace.com/skylana .... check em out!

olan baycay

we went on a mini vacation to santa barbara and it was long needed and amazing! we stayed at a beautiful hotel that we already got half off and then they upgraded us to a suite... we got to sleep in and take naps everyday... and spend lots of uninterrupted time together... the weather was so beautiful and we got to go to the zoo the last day, where all we could think about was how much ara would ADORE all the animals especially the elephant. when we came home on friday we painted some furniture in our home and our couch was delivered!... our rug is supposed to be here this week and we are getting the whole house painted the last two weekends this month, i will post pictures soon! our vacation pictures can be seen here

if you have myspace....

K

ara learned her k sound, literally just yesterday.... until now she's been saying lots of 'halves' of words.... so since she learned the k sound she has said...

milk (which she used to pronounce moch)
walk
duck
knock
bike
book
cat (i know, no k, but somehow she's able to say that all of a sudden too)
she's also been saying all done and all gone a lot at the appropriate times.




just being cute with crazy hair



she got her keys, phone and purse then came over said 'bye' and walked towards the front door... she's been doing this a lot lately the other day she did it with just her purse and she came and gave me a hug and kiss and then gave seth one and then 'left'




and yesterday i came in and saw her rocking her chair with baby reading a very big book.

what a smartie.

ara just brought me the wipes and said 'poo poo' and nodded her head... i said 'did you go poo poo?' and she nodded so i said 'ok then bring me a diapie' (because for some unknown reason i have to add an ie onto the end of EVERYTHING i say to her, i know annoying) anyway she came back with some diapers and i changed her... what a little smartie. a couple weeks or maybe even two months ago (i've completely lost track of time these days) she was telling me every time she went and even one time at erin's house she was saying 'poo poo' and i checked her but she hadn't gone so i was like 'you didn't go' and she said it again then stood in the corner and pooped. i really hope this means potty training will be smooth.