theif.

i stole this from bryan's blog....



but i just LOVED it... i love love loved deepak chopra and totally agree with everything he said... i'm going to the library to pick up some books of his today.

please watch when you have time and watch all 10 parts.

anything we can do

asians can do better.

this weekend my aunt laura took me to Olympic Spa in korea town.

before we got our treatments we soaked in the tubs and went in the saunas.
then laid on the heated floor until it was time for our treatments.

i got the:

Goddess
Our Signature Darphin® Body Treatment

The ultimate moisturizing experience. We start with a full body Korean Scrub to exfoliate the skin, followed by an aromatic seaweed body shampoo. Now relax and enjoy a wonderful Darphin Aromatherapy Massage to melt all those knots away. A rejuvenating essential oil scalp massage will instantly lift your spirits. It doesn't end here, your face is then massaged with toxin releasing strokes and a purifying facial mask is applied to refresh and tighten the pores. After an aromatherapy hair shampoo and rinse, a luxurious body emulsion is soothingly applied to hydrate and moisturize. This treatment is exclusive to us and not available anywhere else.

when they do the scrub, they DO the scrub... i mean they scrubbed me in places i didn't even know needed to be scrubbed.
it was soooo amazing to be touched in a non-sexual non-'mommmmmmy hold me!!!' way... it was amazing to be touched in places i'm never touched.

i felt like... well.. a goddess when i was done, and my skin insanely smooth.

at korean spa's everyone is naked and let me tell you, it was the most liberating wonderful thing since childbirth. i dont know if as i get older i'm getting more feminist or more lesbian... i think feminist ;)
haha

but seriously just seeing all different shapes and sizes of women... i loved seeing all the different boobs, butts... who shaved, who didn't. i probably sound totally creepy, but its just not a sexual thing... its so interesting to see that many different women. women are beautiful, we are so amazing, so strong. i've been a fan of women in the sense that we are strong, we are fierce, we love deeply and truly, we fight hard, and we are sensitive and peaceful, sweet and meek... and now i have a new found awe for our bodies, they really are gorgeous... every shape, every kind. the older korean women sat by a long trough with running water and scrubbed each other and rinsed with bowls. it was so sweet the way they scrubbed each other.... i felt the same way watching them that i felt when i had a midwife taking care of me.

the best part about the whole thing, is that its wild cheap.

i will be returning once a month for a body scrub and to go in the tubs for SURE.
only $25!?!??! insanely worth it.


i could definitely spend a whole day there easy... but half a day was just what i needed....

oprah.

did anyone watch wednesdays oprah?

i'm just watching it now....

the sexual spectrum!?!?! how long have i been saying this people?!!

i'm so happy.


heres the scale.... for those in question.

fear&love

in my life, they have always come hand in hand.

when the foundation of your life changes, nothing is left unsettled.

i haven't said a lot (for me) lately, i've probably been blogging as much as a normal blogger... but i've felt like i've been hiding... hiding things i've been too afraid to say and yesterday, i hit the end. i can't hide... for me hiding is when i'm lying, but lying for me is just not telling everyone everything. being transparent is what keeps me alive and when i'm not i feel like i'm alone and i'm going to break. when i ran yesterday i ran faster than i ever have for a half an hour straight, i was sweating and bright red.. i closed my eyes and just imagined myself in the middle of nowhere running away. i came home and talked.

life has been filled with fear lately...

i'm afraid of failing, i'm afraid of both of us failing.
i'm afraid if i fail then my children will be hurt.
i'm afraid people will stop loving me if i fail.
i'm afraid of our kids spending time at two houses.
i'm afriad seth will hate me.
i'm afriad of losing myself.
i'm terrified of being like my mother.
i'm afraid i can't love enough.
i'm afraid i will never be good enough for him.
i'm afraid of being unhappily married forever.
i'm afraid of making a choice i will regret.
i'm afraid that i can't be what he needs.
i'm afraid of what i feel.

i'm hopeful that as we work towards fixing this, that it will actually be fixed.
i'm hopeful that the things i feel will somehow change through working hard.

my fears are many and my hope little, but i believe hope is stronger and i am here...
for now, i am here.

i will try and i will work until there's nothing left or it all makes sense.

for the very first time in my life

and very suddenly i feel like i want to be alone.

completely and utterly alone.

like floating in the middle of an ocean that's warm from the sun...

arabella quotes

ara: 'what's miles' papa doin?'
me: 'he's workin'
ara: 'whats he doin for workin?'
me: 'he does construction, which is like building buildings and houses and stuff'
ara: 'oh, i should do that'


ara wakes up to go poop EVERY night around 4am.
the other night she was sitting on the toilet balling.

me: 'hunny what's wrong?'
ara: 'i dont wanna go potty on this potty!!!'
me: 'well where do you want to go potty?'
ara: 'i wanna go potty at twabis' house!!!!'

then today we went to a public bathroom and there was still pee in the toilet.

ara: 'who's pee is that?'
me: 'i have no idea'
ara: 'pwobably twabis'


what the hell? for some reason she has an obsession with associating travis with toilets... could this be why? she just knows.

today when i was putting her in the car.

ara: 'mama, you're boops' (this means boobs. mind you i was fully clothed.)
me: 'yea, what about them?'
ara: 'they're yucky'

thanks babe. they only kept you alive for your first year of being.

today driving to eat.

ara: 'mama... nola is nervous. shes nervous mama.'

the other day playing in my room then out of nowhere she yells.

ara: 'mama! gotta make a card! i gotta make a card for auntie mackie.... and brook and simon!!'


she drew on cards for them and told me to write happy birthday to all of them and that she loves them.

a few days ago she looked at my teeth.

ara: 'mama, you look like oprah, you have clean teeth... high five!'

i dont think i posted this.. but its one of my favorites... when we stayed at brook and simons house i came out into the living room in the morning, she points at me and with strong conviction says...

ara: 'YOU are NOT lane'

something you might not guess about me.

i love audioslave and i actually have a favorite guitarist, tom morello. which is weird because i'm not a big fan of music. haha...

anyway... audioslave is the BEST band i've seen live. ever.

i love everything about tom morello, from the way he plays to his stage presence to his outfit and silly hat. the only reason i'm writing about this is because my friend jeremy sent me a picture of tom morello's autograph he saw in hollywood while eating, which just reminded me how much i adore him.

and speaking of music i actually have songs i'm really into right now.. not albums, because i dont roll that way....

but i LOVE that sex is on fire song by kings of leon... even though i feel they jacked lanos style....

and i'm obsessed with this song that my erin l. posted on her blog recently, so i'm stealing it and posting it here... because i listen to it hundreds of times a day.

weird blog. i know.

freakin dora

if youre one of those parents that thinks television harms your child, you might be interested in what im about to say... i do think ara watches entirely too much tv.. and i HATE dora the explorer, she might possibly be the most annoying person in the world (ok besides ann coulter and raven-symoné) but arabella loves her and has literally started learning spanish from her. i started letting her watch it because one day it came on and it was the ONLY thing she sat still for for half an hour (um hello?!?! i get a shower?!) but its gotten a bit out of hand...the other day i heard her mumbling something to herself... i realized later she was saying 'ocho' and had been counting in spanish... then this morning she just looked at me and said 'Mochila!!! i want mochila like dora!' and i said 'whats a mochila? is that spanish?' and she said 'yea, its means pack pack'. she has also expressed a deep desire to own maps that she keeps in a purple mochila. sound familiar? anyway on one hand i hate this obnoxious, loud, poorly dressed, fake spanglish speaking girl... but on the other hand... how can i when she's teaching arabella spanish? that's pretty essential for southern california....

i know she says a lot more in spanish because she says stuff to me all the time and i dont know what she's saying and then she'll just say the english word.

like i said to erin b the other day... i wish dora would teach them to clean up and always listen.

interesante.

Seriously

If I make one more STRAIGHT guy friend... I'm gonna lose it. I like my straight guy friends but it's just not what I'm in the market for...

So unless you wanna slam a man... Don't try makin me your new friend.


Thanks.

ready to get grossed out?

thats how much hair comes out on my hands EVERY time i take a shower....

ladies...is that weird?

head space

i needed some head space and i needed to get out of the house... so me and the girls took a mini road trip and went to visit one of my dear erins...

the girls fought and played all day and then we ended the night with champagne and antm... kind of.


first we went to our beloved thai food restaurant...





nola chilled in her stroller while we ate




the big girls explored in the country







while the little ones explored the talent of sitting up





after getting wild dirty an intense bath time...




it was so fun... i love our girls together and i love erin so very much.. plus i got to hang out with two other lovely ladies i've never hung out with... im definitely going to have to make this a regular trip!

hungry

lately i've had to think a lot.


normally i over think everything. i mean, everything. my head never stops analyzing all the information that's being fed through my senses, sometimes its so loud i think i'm saying it but i'm not, sometimes its so loud i can't hear other people talking. i know i am very honest and i'm sure it seems like i say everything i think but there is so much more i dont say, i dont think a person could actually have time to express all the things that go through my mind and that's probably good because i pretty much overwhelm every other living being as i am.. but the past week my thoughts have been on steroids.

in life in general i'm sure you all know i am constantly questioning and wondering what matters in my life, what i want to leave behind, what i want to spend my time doing. that question has only become a thousand times more severe in my heart as i have lost any true hope that there is more after this life. my feeling that this is all i have is stronger than ever and so every day i'm left with passion, regret and questions.

i was standing on the edge of a cliff for a long time.

trying to balance.

i have made a mistake and this mistake thrust me farther than i thought i could get into the subject of my short life and what i want it to mean.

i have been consumed.

this mistake has made me realize just how deep my destruction runs.

will life always be such a struggle?

i envy those people who have simple thoughts. simple emotion. simple struggles. simple clothes. simple houses. .. and at the same time im endlessly thankful i am not one of them.

i'm afraid to love because i'm afraid i dont have enough inside me.

i'm afraid to try because i'm afraid i will fail.

i'm afraid to let go because i'm terrified of being out of control.

i lived my whole life with a world spinning out of control all around me, there was nothing i could hold onto. once i found my ground i took over, i have been in control. if i lose it i'm afraid i will die.

but this short life is all i have, and i need it to count.. i need to love.. i need to be free.

at least there's always laughter

i know

i haven't been blogging like normal.

its just that for the first time, maybe ever...

i have nothing to say and i dont want to talk anymore.

i leave for a month

and my favorite thing about atascadero gets destroyed?

i guess there really is no sense in me ever going back now.

i'm devastated.

excuse me, best invention ever

why aren't you in every bathroom?

happy birthday to me..... and arabella?

so... for my birthday weekend brook took me to some gay bars. let me tell you, i have found my place. no bff but me and my robe were quite the hit at one bar and deemed me a nickname and plenty of friends.... then the next day she gave me a kick ass haircut because i've needed one for way too long. then the day of my birthday, yesterday we went to disneyland... it was super cheap because we only had to pay for seth and i was able to use birthday money for it! perfect.

we didnt get to go on a bunch of rides or anything because it was just us and the girls, but i think it was my favorite trip to disneyland ever... and i think you'll see why....


i love how she has no idea what she's about to encounter.




look out disneyland... here comes arabella..





we went STRAIGHT to toontown to meet mickey.







then minnie... which wasn't as big of deal since ara pretty much always likes boys better.. even mickey.



her very first time having cotton candy...
i love the process of deciding whether its good...








YEP, its good.

my most favorite part...
we waited an hour and a half to see princesses..

here's what happened while we waited..




the three that were there were mulan (who freaking cares about her??) sleeping beauty, who checked out seth and had the creepiest eyes we've ever seen..
and
cinderella...




here they were having a very long conversation about arabellas dreams coming true at disneyland.




me and seth were just fighting back tears during this. it was insane. no belle, but i think we were all satisfied with what went on here.


then my tie for favorite event that day...
taking ara on her first ride, which was my favorite ride as a kid.
dumbo.





at the end of it all we told ara she could pick one thing to bring home.

RIGHT when we walked in the store, she chose pluto... we told her we should look around and make sure... we walked and looked and walked and looked... and after all of it...



pluto was the answer.

a girl who knows what she wants. i love it.


it was a beautiful day.

believe me friend

seth is my very best friend.

but that doesn't change the fact that marriage is hard. some days are wonderful and you want to stay in that place forever, some days are shitty and all you want to do is quit and run far far away and most days you are just going through life trying to make everything work and take care of your children. its not glamorous and its not your average lifestyle for early 20s. .. but it is my life.

i dont want to go through the motions of my life and miss out on whats going on, i dont want to run away from my life because it overwhelms me almost every day, and a lot of times i dont want to stay and fight for the life i have created... but really i do want to stay and fight.

i think i got married too young, i got married too fast, i had children too soon after getting married and while i was too young. now a lot of days i feel trapped, trapped in the life i may have wanted someday, but not the life i wanted now. there are things i never realized about myself before i got married, like how i dont think i'm the marrying type. i think because of what i was surrounded by at the age i got married, i thought that was what i was supposed to do... but honestly marriage is very not me. so seth and i are learning to make the marriage we committed to look like us, not like it is all around us in its varying forms. which can be hard, since we are very opposite people. i did not understand what marriage was when i made this commitment, i dont think many people do... its hard to understand something you know nothing about. i am still trying to understand what i believe marriage is and what that means as far as my life with seth. a lot of times i feel like i dont believe in marriage, but i think i do just not what i have been taught that marriage is by other people.

there may only be a handful of things that i think i understand in the bible and one of them is paul saying 'to those who are unmarried, especially to widows: It is good for them to remain like me' because i think in most cases it is hard to focus on other people and being who you are when you need to put most of your time into the person you live your life with (which i am not even sure is his reasoning). on one hand i understand it being harder to be myself while being married and on the other hand i've always felt like seth made me more myself. seth and i go through times that are easy and free, we go through wild times where we fight like drunk men at a bar (sans broken beer bottles) and we go through times like this where we are friends living side by side trying to work together.

through all the happiness we have experienced and all the pain, i know there will be plenty more of each to come, whether we are in one or the other... whether we feel passionate or beige, whether there is romance or friendship.. or both, whether we're fighting or making up, whether we are full of life or worn completely down...

we are friends. best friends.

and i know that seths own words for his friend ring true in my heart for him.


in the end when its all gone believe me friend you wont be there alone.

funabella

evidently she's always trying to make her fingers do things like 'thumbs up' and 'two' and 'pacify nola' in pictures....




dancin with papa and his sweet new highlights


crafts. we never do crafts but this mirror was a gift from my friend amy for aras birthday and it was sooooo fun to do, we might start doing crafts more often. when the stickers were taken off that tummy their memory was kept alive buy a red rash in that exact pattern.




aaaaand her make out sesh with genesis. me and deborah could not stop laughing, as ara could not stop letting genesis lick her entire mouth... she actually got gagged by genesis' tongue a couple times.