pictures slash creeper seth.

this one, arabella actually took herself... what?!






ok creeper seth. so last night i went to bed after seth, when i went in i expected him to just be sounds asleep...

i go in go to put my arm around him from behind but before i do he literally turns over and like practically attacks me. let me say one thing... we wake up making out um etc A LOT and both of us are like 'what?! how did this happen?' so i figured he was asleep... i asked a few times and every time he said he was awake...i told him i just wanted to cuddle and go to sleep but he just kept attacking me.. at the end he said 'how did this just happen?' ok... asleep... then followed that up with 'i thought i was having sex with multiple women' ahahahhaha... me: 'awesome babe.. it was um.. just me.'... so we go to sleep.

later nola wakes up, i feed her and then a lot of times at night seth will have to walk her around for a minute and then lay her down... i say 'hey babe can you walk her around?' he says 'yes' then turns away from me and goes back to sleep... so i tap him, 'get out of bed!'... he gets her, while he's walking around with her he walks into the dresser and blurts out real fast 'i'm fine i didn't hit her'... 'are you sure hunny? you've been weird tonight..'

i close my eyes expecting him to be in bed again in a minute. i hear arabellas bedroom door, open my eyes but seth isn't in the room, thats weird cause usually we wait for her to wake up before we go into her room. i see a light turn on. i assume a million different things in my head, too tired to get up i just go to sleep but when he never comes back i go to find him....... SLEEPING ON THE COUCH! i wake him up and am like 'what are you doing?' and he says 'i dont know!'. we went back to bed.

what the hell?!

being wasted can be a good thing.

lets be positive here.

anything can be a good thing if you let it be.

i drink on a normal basis, i dont get wasted. i've gotten to the level i would call drunk a handful of times over the past three years. (we're not talking buzzied)

last night i got wasted. wasted.

i have been this drunk NEVER and the last time i was remotely close i was in 7th grade.

i went to seths show... had 4 drinks and a little more 'sips', did the bad thing and strayed from gin ... watched him play, yelled 'i HATE this song' when he played 10 years in separating states (what a bitch). i do hate it, but that is my big regret from last night.. went into the green room (i think thats where it started) and...

wait for it......






threw up.

alright. here's the deal... just to get you up to speed...

i DO NOT throw up. i threw up once in 8th grade, which was about 10 years ago.... before that i threw up when i was 5. i've been terrified of throw up my whole life. when i say terrified i mean when seth pukes i have to repeat in my head, sometimes even out loud that i will not die if he throws up... and even then i'm not convinced. any time that i have thrown up i'm ALWAYS holding back. i try for hours to not throw up, then i do finally and i hate it the whole time i'm doing it.

last night i let go. i couldn't really help letting go, the tequila/gin wouldn't let me. but it was kinda life changing. it felt good to throw up. really good. i felt freedom letting go.

i dont want to speak to soon, but i'm pretty sure that was the last page in the very long book of my fear of throw up.

we got home, i parked myself on the sidewalk and told seth to go take care of business... just do what he had to do and bring me another gin and tonic. when we got inside i argued profusely that i didn't think nola was santa monica blvd, even though i kept calling her that. i got in bed and talked seths head off til he fell asleep.

i wont be getting that drunk again any time soon, but im really glad it helped me hopefully close the book on emetophobia.

tagsville. *rules added.... duh

aight peeps. flo did this, she didn't tag anyone (lame) but i'm doing it because i WANT to tag people, bad.....
rules:
take a photo of yourself as soon as you see you've been tagged and you're not allowed to primp or aquanet or grab your nearest BumpIt.
(as written by emery clark.)


how much do you LOVE my HUGE eyebrows!?!?!?! i do.
also since i've moved here i have about 50 more freckles, luckily freckles are super in. hahahahhaa...

ara made me take one of her too...




E. (highly doubt you'll do this for me) but maybe i can get a karl out of it... ah ahhhhh
travis. (maybe this will at least produce a post)
emery.
erin b.
erin h.
seth

i'd like to tag more people but ya'll dont have blogs!!!! get one.... and i'll tag you!

one is silver, the other gold.

personally i think they're all platinum.

i've made some new friends down here who are kicking my ass. i'm in love with them. for me, insta friends are my favorite kind... because i dont like work especially when it comes to relationships. haha. seriously i dont.

my theory has been that there is a level of work i will not rise above. like ok, if i have to work just this hard to be this persons friend, perfect i can do that.. any harder.. nope... cause i could just find an equally as cool person and work less. that was the theory.... and actually for a long time, its worked very well. i have weeded out a lot of people, most of whom i thank my lucky stars (ok my theory) that i did, cause they're kinda shitty people. ... but there are some who could have added more facets to my life. i could have learned more from what they had to give and i didn't, cause i didn't want to work.

i still certainly have a limit, but for the sake of love, it has lowered a bit. (just as a disclaimer: this is NO way has anything to do with what i wrote about yesterday or seth and i, just to avoid confusion)

i have been trying to learn the art of balancing who i am with who my friends are for years of course... and its very hard when the rough parts of each other start to round your corners. that sounds pretty sexual. its not.

i have a dear dear dear friend who means more to me than most people in the entire world, he is my family and we have had a very very hard time getting comfy. this is a person that i have not changed for although i loved him, but stayed friends with because i could never not be friends.

i have another friend that comes naturally, but there are 'issues' you could call them that make life as friends incredibly difficult.. they make me want to run away shut down, push away and even hate... all to protect myself.

and i have a new friend, nothing could be easier. easy easy easy. somehow this friend has communicated this balance to me in a way i have never understood, and showed it to me.

i had begun to live my life as though my honesty was what i was made of. thats it. i'm honest, there is nothing more valuable about me than this.

growing up in a home where you are not taught to thrive, you are only taught to survive, you create a very destructive habit.

i have overcome a lot of areas in my life where i would have only been able to survive and i have thrived... but in the area of bending... there would be no bending. bending meant death.

being honest is a VERY important part of who i am, no doubt. this wont change, ever. but... is it more important than my very dear friend feeling loved, understood and cared for by me? is it more important than overcoming the issues, than possibly being hurt for the sake of a wonderful friend? and is it all i have to offer to the point that i can't bend on it or i will lose myself? the answer is no, in all cases.

for the first time i am realizing that there was insecurity in me somewhere... where i felt like me being honest was all i had, i had to cling to it and if i let it go i would lose me. now i am realizing i will be a better person and my life will be better and work better for me if i can learn to bend when necessary for the ones i love. there will be more peace, more love and actually not less of me but more of a better me.

another facet has been created in my heart.

and it is good.

the funniest part of it, is now, it doesn't feel like work.



*two side thoughts im having while writing this:
hows my freaking grammar? sick
this is a huge revelation, and its interesting how im having more of those than ever SEPARATE from jesus and god. interesting.

7 days.

that might be a record.

i can't say that i even have anything to say now.

life can be good and you can still be in the midst of hitting the bottom... maybe its because the bottom is good. we need the bottom, without it there is no top.

i think the dirty, rock hard, cold floor of what i thought was an abyss has met my heart.

and its good.

there has been a shift in perception and the only way to go now is up.

i could sit here and explain in so many words the exact events that have taken place, but i know it would only lead to lack of understanding and at the moment a struggle for communication. when my head is clear again, i will write. for now, the inner workings are being saved for those closest to my heart, the ones who need no explanation.

just wanted to let you all know, i'm still here.

extremely balanced.

i am extremely balanced.

you may think 'woa, no you are not', but that my friends is where you would be wrong. because 'extremely balanced' doesnt mean i am balanced extremely, it means i'm balanced... to the extreme.

ok there is no way i can explain this outside of my brain. but just know that inside... its perfect.

i know i am balanced. i know i am completely extreme.

when i dont know you, or even a lot of time when i do know you... but you aren't burrowed very deep inside my heart you could throw rocks in my face and tell me i was a piece of shit... and though i might have a welt, i wouldn't be hurt.

people are often at a loss when they finally really truly understand that i dont care what people think about me... when they get that crazy anonymous commenters can say outrageous things while spelling like complete idiots and i dont get sad... or someone can list off 30 reasons why they hate me and i can find the humor in it...

but my secret to this isn't that i am truly made of stone... the secret is just this...

those who are burrowed in my heart can hurt me so deeply, thinking about it terrifies me.

i save up my emotion and spend it wisely... but when i spend it, theres a lot to go around.

i am extremely balanced.

i forgot to post...

the funniest part of my day...

this morning i took the girls to starbucks and all our stuff was on the bench we had been just sitting on, but we were all sitting on the side of the fountain because ara wanted to see the water....

a guy came up and asked if we could move our stuff so he could sit down. i was totally willing, but yea, it was a little stressful to wrangle the kids in and move all our stuff so this one guy could sit.... so i thought i'll just put them in the stroller and go...

when all of a sudden.....

the people sitting a table next to me (please know i am blushing just typing this) start FREAKING OUT. the guy gets up and starts asking this 'asshole' why in the world he would ever even DREAM about asking me to move my stuff when i have two little ones with me.

they FULLY proceed to get in a full on...i mean FULL ON argument over me... like cussing and everything... i slowly pick up my stuff and start to leave saying nothing when the guy who wants me to be able to sit asks if i'm ok and the one who wants me to move asks if he said 'move your stuff'..... i just smiled and kept getting the girls ready....

my defender got in his car to leave and he was still yelling obscenities out the window at the bench coveting man....

woa.

i got in my car and left...

now there were an abundance of seats available.

good day. very good day.

yea i might be red in the face... but its because i kicked ass on a hike in the santa monicas with a baby on my belly and cowboy boots on my feet bitches!



rubbing baby buddhas head for luck that we find our ocean view? that would be our eagle scout trained leader john... i'm sure he could start fires with sticks and stuff.



i was up in that cave too with nola on me... we just didn't get a picture of it ;)



she was the best bumpkin the whole time. not a peep... oh except for her try at writing our anthem.



and the best part? the fat tire and high chair at the end.

baby buddha

thats my favorite name for him.

The Boy With Divine Powers

dont even ask me what i think about him, because i dont know.

our easter. finally.

parachutes.

i miss that big old house, the way it smelled like wood and linen. i loved the creepy laundry shoot and the way the floors creaked with every step. i loved the big trampoline out back and how we could see our whole world from that deck. i loved knowing that it would always be filled with family and i was always welcome. that house will always hold pieces of my childhood. i would give anything for one more night in my friends room. we could count the train cars as it passed, we could share a bed despite the fact there was one extra, we could lay staring at the rafters trying to make out faces while we talk of jesus and our husbands, we knew someday they'd find us. if i close my eyes tight enough i can see every picture, every color on every wall...

i miss that big old house.

robbin the craddle

sexy

somewhere between laundry and dishes

the harsh reality enters my mind, again. as it does everyday, that this is what i do with my life.

i know a lot of people will say 'raising kids is the most amazing thing you can do' etc etc.

but i think for a person like me, who feels like there is an endless amount of multifaceted sides of me, its not enough. it will never be enough. and i'm pretty sure that as long as i'm home every day, even when i'm enjoying it, i will be missing a part of myself.

i'm sure everyone feels this way, with different things. i get that there is a very small amount of people who get to do what they love with their life. seth feels like he works his life away in an office. i feel like my intelligence is wasted on cleaning floors and wiping butts.

how do i get out of here? this has been my question since it started. like practically, how do i change this situation... i dont want to feel like i'm losing myself and wasting my life because of circumstance. we create our circumstances, certainly we can change them. i'm not actually asking you guys, though i'm sure you'll give me answers. i'm just throwing the question out in the universe....

somehow i need to feel like i'm working towards the goal of being out of the house.

alright... i gotta go finish cleaning my house before its time to nurse a baby.

my heart.

i have never had something that makes my heart feel the blood pump through it, something that i could not live without, something that is a part of the very core of who i am.

at least i never thought i did.

i have loved to sing, sew, create art, dance, run. love means little compared to what i was looking for.

being married to a musician when you feel this way is even harder because melodies & instruments become the other woman, and no amount of talking can make you understand their relationship. seth is more than just music, but music is him. it flows through his veins and it starts from the core of who he is. if there is one thing i can know about seth it is that there will always be music inside of him, its endless. you dont understand a person being intertwined with the 'hobby' they like. until you realize that it is not 'the hobby they like'... its how their soul manifests. i have always wanted something that i was good at that could make my insides feel this way. i got jealous that seth had something he couldn't live without. i had nothing.

this past year it has snuck up on me.

i have never felt more myself or more alive than when i am writing.
i need it. if i dont do it i feel disheveled inside. it has become a part of who i am. it is the way my soul manifests. it heals me. i feel completely myself and completely alive when i am writing. i used to wonder how seth would never run out of songs to write, how could someone always have a new melody? now i understand. i will never run out of words to say, its just woven into who i am, as long as i am who i am and as long as i express myself, i will write.

its funny that this ended up being the love of my life because one of the most beautiful writers i have ever known, was my mother. this is one thing i dont mind having inherited from her.

over the past year seeing how people have been interested in what i have to say i have thought to myself that maybe i should put blogs together or write a book or blah blah blah, but i still hadn't realized what writing meant to me and i had no good reason.

i dont care if anyone ever reads it, i dont care if i ever do anything with it.

but i started a book and i have never felt so much healing run through me just from the little bit i have put down.

i decided that throughout i will post excerpts on here and hopefully one day it will all come together.

until then... i'll leave you with this.

i see a whirlwind of color.

my pink bedspread melts into the light from my window as i spin around and around ... my dress waves like an ocean, full of grace, light as a feather and i fall. my mind is pure and my heart is bursting with joy.

i play hide and seek in the cupboards of our kitchen, she'll never find me here. i climb trees in my delicate skirts, i dream i am a princess. she is there, she pulls me in and i breathe deep. i will always remember her smell, roses and love.

Our walk to the park is full of new things for my senses to understand, as it is everyday. She tells me the names of birds, she makes me smell the leaves of the eucalyptus and teaches me how to taste the nectar of a flower. The santa ana winds make her sneeze as they wrap their arms around us, and I’m warm all over. i walk into our house at the end of the hot day. i feel the cool breeze of the air conditioner filling the room as i lay on the couch and I know I’m home.

As my feet squirm in the depths of my covers, I soak up the feeling of my cool sheets and heavy quilt weighing down on my little chest. She lays beside me and starts to read. I am no longer in my bedroom. Im in the middle of the desert under the stars, im in a busy city looking for the moon, im anywhere her voice takes me. I start to drift and she walks out , I miss her already.

i love the sound of the tv downstairs as i fall asleep, i know i am safe.

can we pinpoint the day our innocence was stolen?

was it the day he called me to his room?

he showed me something i had never seen and i sat by as i watched my four year old best friend lose her innocence.
was that the very moment i lost my own?

my whole life has revolved around the loss of my innocence. my whole life has revolved around pain, as i stand with fists clenched tight trying to fight it. 'the pain doesn't exist' i say, 'i am whole, i am strong'. tell yourself something enough and you will believe it, but no amount of belief creates a truth.....

does this turn you on?

or make you feel like you're staring into the face of a person who died instantly?

cause it totally turns me on.

i almost told emery

that i felt a blog coming on, while we talked about those old days... mercy church... the pages.. who i like to call 'those damn pages'.. a thorn in my side.

this is one of my shadows.

the darks spots in my heart.

these people hurt me. more than anyone ever has. i've been abandoned by my father, screwed by my mother, brokenhearted by a lover... but what that family did to me cut my heart into pieces.

imagine you dont have a family. you grow up alone. you survive. you think of ways to put up walls... so you are safe. no one can hurt you. you are a mother from age 3. there is nothing that makes you feel safe, but your own mind. you alone are your comfort. no one can get to you... ever.

then one does. thats all it takes. love bursts from every seem in your body.. head to toe, you are full. your heart has been let out of solitary confinement. a family surrounds you. everything you dreamed of your whole life... a mother, a father, a sister, a lover... holidays, trips... you are a part of this family. they want you to be different than your very core tells you, but its ok, because there is love. real true love. you change. you become silent. you follow.

love fails.

the sun rises and they are gone. backs turned, its over.

was i dreaming?

its been 4 years and 4 months since the day i lost their love... and when it enters my mind it still stings to my very core.

and this is where my shadow is. i dont want to forgive them, because they are not even aware of the pain they inflicted. i dont want to forgive them, because they are so arrogant that they think the God of the universe has called them away from me.

i have to, because if i dont my heart will never be whole. its like that tiny place in my heart is a 3 year old girl, abandoned and in the dark as to why.

when i think of them i want to scream at the top of my lungs how much i hate them.
but the truth is, i dont hate them. i love them. i did love them, more than anyone i have ever loved.

maybe i have enough strength inside me to muster up forgiveness. if i can forgive an alcoholic mother, if i can forgive a drug addict father who thought he couldn't do it, if i can forgive a molester... why can't i forgive them?

maybe i dont have enough strength within myself. maybe all those crazy Christians are right!?!? ;) but... i dont think so. i think its in there.

i am a strong woman, if theres nothing else i am sure about, i am sure of this. by whatever method, by whatever means, i will survive and i will not only survive but i will thrive... i will somehow come through this life full and overflowing with love and victory.

i wont pretend, i have wounds now. there are still wounds... wounds i am ashamed of, wounds that i should have stitched years ago... still open, still bleeding...

i will find a way to suture myself.

i love jesus.

i really do.

when i read the bible... which is beyond rarely.. but none the less, when i do i love who he was. i love the way he loved, i love the way he challenged religious minds, i love the way he lived with conviction... whether i believe he was right is irrelevant to my life as well as my perception of him. him being God or not does not change the love i have for the person he was or the things he did. i have heard so many people say that if he's not God then he's a liar and not someone they would want to follow... i dont understand the logic because from what we can read of him, him as a liar is greater than most of us being as truthful as we can be. the way i see jesus, i know, is very different than most of my christian friends and family.. but i dont feel that its any less. knowing who he was has changed my life.. if seth came to me tomorrow and said he was God i wouldn't love him any different and i wouldn't discount all he has done as my dear friend... he is one of the most amazing people i have ever known and the way he loves is beyond what i feel my heart can grasp... if he believed he was God, i wouldn't give a shit.. to be perfectly honest.

that's how i feel about jesus, if he was a crazy person who thought he was God, but loved with that much intensity, that much conviction, and in that much service.. does it really matter?

jesus can be God, he can not be God... either way when i read for myself about the person he was i admire him and want to learn to love like him. i believe that there are few things that i am deeply convicted about for my life and i dont believe that all in all i live a life of spiritual conviction... but i do respect very highly people who live that way in love.

seth and i have become very different these past three years, there's still a lot we do relate on but a lot that we dont...i respect so much the conviction he has for what he believes and how he balances the truth of what it is he believes with how he loves. i have a handful of christian friends that i respect so much because i can see how they truly love in a way that i believe jesus did... which i think is really hard considering his unfriendly message. its hard to balance the part where i go to hell with the part where you love me without trying to make me like you... if that makes sense... and i have some friends who balance that beautifully.

all this to say that despite the fact that i am not a christian, there are people i know who's lives are impacted by his love everyday and they live it out in a way i can admire and i love who jesus was and am blown away that he had so much conviction for what he believed that it took him to his grave. to impact the world for centuries after your death is an amazing accomplishment and something i believe comes from living a life of greatness. i only hope that the impact he has through his people and people like me who loved him can be for peace and love, not hate and bigotry.

neko case

every once in a while seth tries to show me new music. i pretty much always hate whatever he shows me and say 'i dont want to hear new music'... but he doesn't have to feel very sad about it because he can pretty much be sure that the next time he shows it to me i'm going to think i've never heard it and i'm going to love it.

i dont know why this happens in my head but... it ALWAYS does... anyway... he showed me this song last night and i'm in love with it.. evidently i've heard it before and hated it. whatevs.



So the saying says
An elephant never forgets
Standing in the concrete cave
Swaying side and sing
They walked over the ocean
And their dreams they dreamed awake
Until the lights grew dim
Until the cop cars came
Everybody tells me this is crazy, yes I know

But I'm a man man man man man man man eater
But still you're surprised prised prised when I eat ya

You know they call them killer whales
But you seem surprised
When it pinned you down to the bottom of the tank
Where you can't turn around
It took half your leg and both your lungs
And I craved I ate hearts of sharks, I know you know it

I'm a man man man man, man man man eater
But still you're surprised prised prised when I eat ya

It will end again in moonlit song

where have all the hand towels gone?

this post might offend some, but after years of noticing this and saying nothing, biting my tongue and using someone elses bath towel to dry my hands... i'm breaking the silence.

where have all the hand towels gone people?

i'm not the cleanest person in the world and i'm not suzie homemaker for sure, but one thing i always make sure i have is a clean, dry hand towel in my bathroom for our friends.... i have noticed that none of my friends have this in their bathroom for me. i can honestly think of ONE friend who did. that's it. one. so dont be offended if you are my friend and you realize you have no hand towels, you are one among many.


..but here's the thing its the most disgusting thing to me to wipe my clean hands on your bath towel... i dont know which spot you used to dry your good parts.. but i can't be sure i'm guessing accurately and it scares the shit out of me.

so please friends... please... i'm begging... bring back the hand towel.

its so this season.

the ocean saves me

sometimes i get so much feeling inside me.

feeling that isn't described by any feeling i have a name for.

when this happens my heart feels like it can't catch its breathe, like it can feel so deeply all the things running through my veins that it might burst. its not a bad feeling, its really good... its just too much.... i can only handle it for so long.

so today i had it, all day long.

at 4 o clock i put the kids in the car put on my new favorite band, who i can't say out loud because i refuse to speak in accents and i refuse to write because i want to keep it to myself. i turned it up as loud as i could, let the babies drift off and i drove through the glorious canyon to malibu... one look at the ocean and i was saved.

colors.

i was happy because for a while arabella didn't see color.... when it came to peoples skin.

she thought i looked like oprah, she thought kevin looked like kanye west... if you asked what color someone was she said the color of their shirt.

then we were at trader joes and she said to me about the african american man asking for donations for something... 'whats that brown guy doin?'...

but then she confused me when she called someone who is a Caucasian that obviously had been tanning, 'that black lady'.

i asked what color she thought she was... yellow.

and seth green.

i'm white.

nola is black.

so i now realize she still doesn't see the color of peoples skin... was trader joes a fluke? interesting.

i've just loved the fact that when a child comes into this world, they dont see color.. or religion... or sexuality... or judge beauty. they just love, they just accept. it makes me so happy that i can have the power to raise a human in love, to continue teaching them to be accepting of other people the way the are.

i know people think these children are 'inherently evil' because they do bad things... but i can't make myself see that.... all i see is pure love, no condemnation of others, no precepts for love, no discrimination, just acceptance... at every angle.

i believe there is good and bad in all of us, but to say we are by nature 'sinful' or evil... i dont get. mostly i think i never understood this struggle of sin inside people that i would hear expressed because i never felt it.. if i ever felt a struggle it was from what someone else said i shouldn't do. when i search my own heart i feel completely at peace with the desires i have and how much or how little i am willing to act on those desires, i'm at peace with the amount of love that i want to give out freely, i'm at peace with the amount of love i have for myself. i have never felt like i'm evil left to myself... i feel good inside. i have bad spots but i feel they are few and i think the same of others, some have more, some have less.. which i can't rightly judge anyway because i can't see their insides. i believe there is an ability to do bad in arabella, but her heart is big and full of all encompassing love.

the things she has learned that are bad and repeats i believe are from me, or other people around her... but her desire never seems to me to be of ill nature.. when she wants to hit and or do kid things its usually to get attention. which to me isn't bad and though i dont believe in 'sin' i wouldn't categorize that as wrong. at her age and younger which is really, i believe, the only time we can barely even make a judgment about whether we are born sinful, i think you have to look at the reasons behind why children do what they do... if she hits because she felt angry i can see that she has learned to express anger from me, maybe not through hitting but none the less if she has hit before and i was the one who expressed to her that that was bad, then maybe when she felt bad inside it would just make sense to express it with something she now knows as bad... if she hits and smiles like she's funny its probably just because she wants me to laugh at her and think she's funny... which also... doesn't seem wrong to me (the action yes, but not the desire).... anyway i could write about this forever and i'm sure the opposing viewers would never see my angle and i wouldn't accept theirs... but i'm glad that i can see arabella in her purity and that i can see her good little heart.. because nothing has shown me love like she has. i dont mean the love inside me, i mean the love inside her... it blows me away to watch someone love the way she does.

i may be part hippie

but not when it comes to my bra.

im getting so many inquiries into what has made this...



possible... so im here to tell you ladies..

its the emma.

from aerie. go get one, if not for you for your husband or boyfriends sake.

my lover.

i'm watching twilight.

and i dont care how dorky it is... i can't even help being obsessed with edward.

besides being so FREAKING hot... ugh... he's such an ass in the beginning and i can't get enough of it, especially since i know its because he wants her so bad.

im totally a freak. i love everything about him. i missed him.

10 favorite things

from oprah today....


10.motherhood is like a twelve step program.

9.the things no one tells you
how gross it is to feel the underside of your boob on your stomach
the hemorrhoids
you might hate your husband or not love your baby right away
(i always wondered why no one told me about chapped and cracked nipples... wtf!?)

8.one of my favorite tricks... skipping pages while reading to them at night.

7.mourning the loss of your old self after having a baby.

6.the little girl who sings bob marley and calls her self bob marley because she gets dreads from her mom not brushing her hair. amazing.

5.the whole conversation about sex after kids.

4.the reality that we all feel alone sometimes... most of us anyway.

3.the acknowledgment of the asinine feud of working vs stay at home mothers.

2.the idea of taking away EVERY single toy as discipline.

1.'a boner in the back is not foreplay'... AMEN.


the best part about this was that while i watched, instead of napping arabella cried for an hour in her room. precious.

soulmate

i have found my spiritual soulmate in deepak chopra.

i just started reading The Book of Secrets: unlocking the hidden dimensions of your life... and its changing my life.

thank you to bryan stupar for posting that video because i finally feel like i'm entering the peace phase of this 3 year struggle to find who or what it is that i really believe in. i feel peace with myself, peace with others, peace with death... just peace with the whole of life. its so crazy that i finally feel this, i think i had actually forgotten what peace even felt like.

its amazing to finally feel like i have a complete bond with another human being, whether i know them or not, as far as my belief system... its been sooooo long since i have connected with someone on that level. not that im actually connecting with him, because i dont know him haha but to just know that i'm not alone and that there is someone who shares the same philosophy as me... there is so much peace there. its amazing to have someone to really learn things from again, like someone to look up to when it comes to this kind of stuff... i haven't felt like i had anyone to look up to spiritually for the past 3 years, maybe longer. i wish everyone would read this book. he is the first person that has given me a reason i can understand for having a sense of what is right and wrong. its not that i had stopped believing in right and wrong, i still do, always have, but i wasn't sure where that definition of it was coming from and when he explains in the book what he believes i was like 'oh... exactly'. i dont believe its coming from the 'holy spirit' or the bible or jesus or even God.

i know this blog is scattered but my mind is just in the middle of being blown.

he is so balanced and i love it... i'm so sick of extreme religion. for me, just the way the average christian person views the world is very extreme and i'm not the kind of person who would be ok with thinking there is no higher power at all or there is no spirit, only science... i've been in the middle trying to understand how to make love and science, ego and selflessness, death and life exist in balance together. he speaks of these things with so much balance that the world looks different. its like everything i have been going through these years has been leading up to this moment, one of what i hope will be many, of clarification and revelation. its so amazing to hear someone talk about love and unity with all humans without attributing it to a religion you are 'supposed' to believe (which actually most religions dont promote unity), its so amazing to hear someone talk about our inner selves, the good and the bad as a whole... without talking like somehow we in our nature are evil or sinful...

this is where i see God, in freedom, in love, in acceptance of who i am with NO condemnation... people would always say there is no condemnation in christ, but i never felt that way around his people. for the first time i feel truly at peace with who i am, what i believe and how that relates to the rest of the world. i feel completely secure.

the goos

so i'm just uploading the latest of the little ladies....

ara is always outrageous, love it.

this morning she put nolas hand on her bood and said 'touch my booty nola!!!'
she watched me put a tampon in (sorry to be so sick) and said 'i like that!'
her new favorite color is purple... she thinks seth should be a purple sandwich and she wants a purple shovel.

she has a new best friend, not that she really had one before.. but his name is miles and he is my new best friend down here...s little boy.

they can be outrageously adorable when they play, and he can draw her cute pictures at school of them with hearts over their heads...

and then she can bite him in the back and he can get mad every time she touches one of his toys... both so precious.










and the tiny one... still getting swaddled....





but she has tummy time too...




and likes to hear seth play music now...





and here's the latest from ara bar. sorry no vids of nola... she doesn't do anything.

dont be afraid

when your baby screams for an hour straight.

when your fully potty trained two year old pees 10 times in a row on the FLOOR.

when your baby that practically sleeps through the night starts to nurse from midnight to 5am EVERY night.

when your two year old doesn't listen to a single word you say and says its because she's 'greeeeeaaaat'.

when she throws her beans all over the floor and smiles cleverly.

when you haven't taken a shower in... you can't remember how long.

when neither of your kids will take their naps and some even put up a fight for two hours straight.

... and after this you feel like you want to shake one and smack the other.

just walk away...

and talk to your fellow mothers, because i dont think i know one mother who hasn't felt this way at one time or another.

nothing can ground you like knowing you are not alone and you are not crazy... well you are crazy but its just because you're a mom.

its amazing to feel one second like you are the worst parent that has ever lived and you are damaging your children forever and the next to feel the freedom of fellowship in friends who have been in your shoes, who see the mother you really are.

i'm unbelievably thankful for my mother friends, because we hold each other up when the other is week. we all know where to go when we need to tell someone its all too much. we can rely on that voice to tell us its ok and that gives us what we need to get up and do it again tomorrow, with more love and more patience than the day before.

dont be afraid to say the worst thoughts you have out loud, because i can almost guarantee i've thought it, or your mom friend has and when we say things out loud we are freed from them.. its when we can't recognize our struggle or can't express our desperation that it can take over our lives and minds.