and one funny thing

to anyone who doesn't have kids yet and always wonders why parents talk about how once you have kids you can't even go to the bathroom in peace....

i know there is an endless array of reasons parents say this, i am SURE... but mine for today was that ara was feeling really sick and no one else was home and i had to poo.... but i had to poo with her ON MY LAP. because if i put her down she cryed the biggest tears of all.... and knowing she was feeling sick and crying those tears cause she couldn't be held was too much. to me thats crossin the not going to the bathroom in peace line.... although i'm sure my daily ventures to the bathroom with her standing by the gate in the doorway needing to be entertained and asking to brush her teeth would cross most peoples line.. i'm just getting used to it. good times.

doctor

so we went to the doctor today and im ok, i was feeling better today than yesterday but i still wanted to get checked out cause the last thing i had felt was deep chest phlegm. yuck. ara on the other hand has bronchitis and dr bravo seemed a little surprised at how much crap was in her chest.... he was sooooo sweet, he gave us the visit on the house because he knows ara is on temporary insurance right now so we would have had to just fully pay for the visit.... and he was like 'well she never gets sick :) and you're good people' hahha so cute. he gave her amoxocilin which i'm not into antibiotics, but i know she needed something, cause she's been livin on the edge and even though bless her heart, she hasn't been grumpy AT ALL everything about her shows me she feels absolutely terrible. plus i'd rather clear this up and not move into pneumonia.... anyway i'm really excited for her to start to feel better. so that's the sitch. i'm feeling better... she will be soon... seth is starting to get sick, but we're just hopin and prayin he doesn't get it as bad as the two of us....

going out

we tried to go out today because i have been in the house for 6 days straight, in bed.... and we thought maybe fresh air and the sunshine would help.... i felt sick to my stomach, weak, shaky legs, and like i was going to faint. it was nice sitting in the shade for a bit, but it left me feeling more sick overall. bummer. i thought we'd go out and the sun would heal us all and we'd be laughing and dancing by the end of the day. i dont know what to do, is this how the flu normally is? i've never had it.... poor ara is sick too, i dont know if i wrote this she got a 102.3 fever on friday night i think it was and its been waning back and forth between that and the 99s. poor muffin. she looks crazy and just wants to sleep so much. we're just keeping her super super hydrated and giving her remedies and some tylenol here and there when the fever spikes. seth's starting to get sick too, i'm praying desperately that he would only get a cold and not this full on thing that i have or we'll be screwed. good thing we dont have two kids yet, we'd die.

and one more thing

check out my new favorite blog....

branthansen.typepad.com

amazing.

tour tea

go see my husband on tour please!!!!!!

myspace.com/lakes. for dates.



and also this is my new tea set....





my aunt has a tea pot exactly like it that i've always wanted.... and then out of nowhere my grandma sent this set up for me! she doesn't even know that my aunt has the exact same tea pot and that i've always always wanted it! crazy.

blessed?

when i was doing the dishes tonight i was thinking about how we (as humans) think of blessing, or i guess us who believe in God or what not.. anyway most of what i see that people express as being blessing is good things and i was thinking about how i feel so blessed or lucky to be able to stay at home with arabella and spend so much time with her... then i was debating whether that was lucky or being blessed.... and i dont think i really believe in luck, things to me happen for reasons, as i have learned from my entire past..... so if things happen for a reason then the only other option really is that when you feel something good has happened to you you are being blessed by someone, God or otherwise. so then i was thinking about how it doesn't seem right in my mind to think i am blessed for being able to stay at home with ara, because does that mean that someone who wants to stay at home with their child and doesn't get to is not blessed? and if not, why would i be blessed and them not be blessed.... and this is something seth and i have discussed a lot, like when we had absolutely, i mean absolutely no money and it would have been easy to say we weren't blessed, and i see that a lot in church that you are 'blessed' when you have a lot or have things, and that God wants to bless you with things, big houses, cars etc..... or even the way to which God wants to bless you with different characteristics, or 'gifts of the spirit' the way we tend to see blessing is in the 'good' and not in the 'bad' .... but i think it is all blessing. God knows what we need, seth and i needed to have no money at all for a time, it was a blessing and i'm so thankful we went through that, i just think if we look at life like God wants the best for us always, and if he is for us and in control, then everything can be a blessing..... it just depends on how we look at it. i mean this isnt a new idea i guess.... God said this in the bible.... that trials are blessings, because they produce perseverance.

anyway i dont know if this all makes sense it seems a bit scattered.... but i think sometimes, actually most of the time the best blessings dont look like what we would think they should look like.


this new baby is a blessing.

let me just say

no offense to catholics, but the pope is really creepy.

music

so since i've had arabella i haven't cared about music anymore. i used to love music and love hearing new things, and after i had her it was like nothing really impressed me... which can be frustrating and sad for seth sometimes cause he loves finding new music and he wants to show me but it doesn't excite me.... anyway i just have found music to be flat then last night i went to a concert with my mom to see the wailing jennys and it was amazing and i got that old feeling and my eyes welled up with tears because its not that music doesn't mean anything to me, i love music, its just harder to get to my heart with it.... but folk and bluegrass always get to me, especially live.... anyway it was so nice to feel that again and i just really really really love folk and bluegrass music.... patty griffin, the smith sisters, alison krauss and union station, nickel creek, dixie chicks (mostly their latest cd) emmy lou harris.. etc... nothing can make me feel like this music can. i love it.

i think i just puked in my mouth a little

i'm in shock that this website even exsists, and that i think its serious...

godtube.com!!!!

i saw it on a blog of blog... ha like that? friend of a friend....

anyway i saw it cause there's this video that all these people think is crazy about oprah, that i think is just silly.... but its funny cause they are all saying how its so shocking to hear these things about oprah and how its so dangerous to watch her show if you aren't 'rooted in the truth' which is a whole other subject i dont understand believing you somehow obtained this truth that others can't understand.....

do they really not see the danger in a website called got tube? there even being a website like that is what makes me sick to my stomach.

christians, what have we done? how far will we go?

we already exploit a man who went through more than we could ever begin to imagine to bring us life and love, we sell his name, we use his name to achieve our own selfish goals, we use his name to shame and condemn others, now we are separating ourselves from people so much so that every website the so called 'secular' people have, we have to have our own? mypraize.com godtube.com its not even real life!!! i love jesus, i am amazed by who he was and is, i dont know if he is the only way to know who God is but i do think we should live and love like him, i fail all the time but it is what i desire. christians lets start living like jesus and stop acting like the pharasies.

hard heart

i always joke about how i never cry when sad things happen and i never get embarrassed or get my feelings hurt because my heart is made of stone.... i know my heart is hard. i mean, how could it not be? but i dont want it to be, i want to love like i used to, trust like i used to, i want to feel everything. im so afraid of being hurt that i have created an impenetrable barrier around my heart and mind. i feel like it starts to come down sometimes but then i notice and quickly and quietly put it back up. i get so used to living with it that i dont even feel it there, i dont think about it until something makes a dent in it and almost gets to me... reading my old live journal is super ridiculous dont get me worng but its amazing to see how open i was to love and feeling life, i know why it changed, i know it was because of all that happened between luke and i when we dated... and its not his fault, its not my fault, it just wasn't right, so it created pain and it changed me. its crazy because there was SO much more before that in my life that should have been what made me so afraid, but it wasn't those things.... for some reason those 2 years with luke are what hardened my heart, so hard... seth knows, he says sometimes how he knows that is what changed me, because before, when him and i were best friends i loved so differently, so completely, so easily, so blindly. he feels like that love, that freedom to feel and simply enjoy life got stolen from me. i know what he means... and i dont know how to get it back, or if i will... how do i learn to trust and love again? i feel so bad because i know i even loved seth differently before i can't even describe the way i loved him and i feel like being so hurt in that relationship with luke made the way i love seth so reserved and so opened eyed, to faults... its like that relationship with luke stole what should have been seths...
i dont know if this will make sense to anyone, but its what i'm thinking.

father

i had a dream about my dad last night. which is weird because i've only ever had one other dream about him in my life, and that time i had prayed for a dream, just so i would have something to think of him in my mind when i talked about him.... in the first dream which was something like 10 years ago i was waiting in a room and everyone was saying 'he's coming, are you ready to meet him?' i was standing back in the dream behind everyone and he walked in, in that very moment i felt a feeling i had never (and still have never until last night) felt in my life... love for a father, the feeling of having a father and knowing that he was perfect and he was the best. he said hi to everyone but me, then sat down and played the piano, i just kept thinking he was perfect... then he came over to me and got down on his knees so he was eye level (cause i was just a little girl) and he just said he loved me and he hugged me and i just cried........

then last night i had a dream that i was somewhere, maybe on a vacation by myself, no seth, no ara and it just started with him and i in this window seat in a hotel that looked out over mountains of snow and beautiful trees, it was dark outside but i could see that.... we just had been sitting and talking for hours and it was so completely natural, we got along perfectly because we were so alike and had everything in common.... i finally said 'i dont understand how you are here, you are dead. are you still dead?' and he said 'yes, but i'm still here i just can't eat or sleep, but i dont need to... i can do everything you can, but no one can see me' and i understood when he said that that it wasn't sad that he was still on earth, it was like his heaven and he got to just enjoy the beautiful places on earth.... then he had to leave and i said i wanted to see him again, i told him seth was going to be gone for two weeks so i would be lonely and he said would come see me every day, he said that i could just call him and he would come anytime. i felt that feeling the whole dream, that love that i can't feel in real life, that i dont understand and i felt so relieved and thankful that there was someone who understood me the way he did, because he was so much like me. in both dreams he looks just like pictures of him in real life. i cant see him as clear as i can see someone in real life, but i know he looks the same.... except he's always wearing really preppy clothes, which is SUPER weird. ha.... anyway the last time i had a dream about him i missed him for months and this time i feel the same way, i just cry cause i miss him and i feel so silly because it was just a dream, and i dont really even know him. i haven't even told anyone that part out loud because i feel so lame for missing someone i've never met....

heartbeat

we heard the baby's heartbeat today. it was so weird.... with arabella it was the most exciting thing in the world, this time it was.... i dont even know, i was relieved because as far as being done with having kids and not wanting anything bad to happen i was glad. as far as having to really be in touch with the fact that this is a baby, a real baby thats inside me and it is alive and well and coming.... it was hard. it was the first moment i really believed i was pregnant....

posts.

obviously all those posts are not from today... but i'm going to start posting all my myspace blogs on here also, so i thought i'd bring a few in just to start it up.. if you are interested in reading more from the past ... myspace.com/skylana

thomas

the pregnant man. i dont get why people are getting so angry about this... or why some people insist on calling him a woman still.... to me it seems when people are born feeling like they are not the gender they are born into and then they change, we should give them the respect of calling them by who they feel they really are.... even if they decide to keep their reproductive rights as their former gender.... i just dont understand why its such a big deal... they are doing something that is making them immensely happy, they deserve that chance like any one of us, nancy couldn’t have children, its not hurting anyone.... it doesn’t seem that wild. its weird that people can’t be compassionate towards this, acting like this is fun and easy for thomas and nancy.. thomas didn’t choose to be born into what he feels was the wrong gender, thats a really serious intense issue to have to deal with... and the last thing someone who deals with that needs is people scrutinizing them as if its just easy and fun for him to have to go through all those changes etc. anyway.... i just think in a world where a woman can become a man and vice versa its odd that its shocking or surprising that one of those people would want to have a baby someday of their own. i can understand that people will not understand it and be confused or even not agree, but why so much hate for something not hurting you or anyone else and really making a lot of people very happy?

how many blogs can i post in one day

alot. evidently. which is especially amazing today because i cleaned out arabellas room, organized all her toys, did dishes (that were piled to overflowing out of both sinks and covering ever counter space in the kitchen! a very rare occasion), cleaned the whole house, vacuumed, mopped, went grocery shopping (at three different stores because they dont have everything i need at one!) all while taking care of my pumpkin who was delightful today, and i managed to still read to ara a lot and watch Oprah. if i wasn’t super mom today, then i dont know who is. anyway all that to say that i’m writing another blog to say that if you haven’t checked out my old live journal, do it. because its freaking hilarious. what a DORK> especially check it out if you are one of the few who knew/loved/maybe even miss the old skylana..... yikes. i told seth if he ever misses his 16 year old bff to just read that! i’m obsessed with reading it. i think i’m almost done reading all the entries. how embarrassing. good thing i like making fun of myself!

disclaimer: i never use exclamation points, because they are gross and embarrassing, which was perfect for this situation.


also i’m still working on those pics of the clothes, seth needs to give me my photoshop.

the begginning of the end

bye bye "binky time"!

ara went down for her nap for the first time today without her ’binky time’ (oh thats just a super gross name i came up with for her pacifier) ha. she has had a pacifier since the night after she was born (sick i know) but only been allowed to have it for nap and bed time and super tough times in the car and rare cases when she’s teething or sick.... but no more.
i cut the end off this morning (that’s what almost everyone says to do, and they all say it works fast) we hope this is true. i gave it to her, she didn’t like it, i told her it was broken and i couldn’t fix it, she handed it to me and i put it away and layed her down. i asked her if she could go to sleep and she nodded.... and she did. this could be an easy weening or a rough week ahead... but its time for the ’binky time’ to be over..... we will see. she has been back to normal the past few days as far as the defiance and crazy mood swings and yelling are concerned.... so hopefully it will be easy for me to deal with this even if its hard since that phase seems to be over and that phase prepared me for whatever issues may arise from this....

all my fingers are crossed.

stop me if you've heard this one

but have i written about how arabella has started making her dolls and bears ’act’ things out? she makes them say ’hi’ and makes them ’cry’ and then rocks them back and forth to comfort them... she also likes to make them eat and dance! i LOVE it. her voice is super high when she makes them say ’hi’ as apposed to the lower voice she normally uses when she is saying ’hi’ to someone.

she also has gotten wild with her dancing and with music, she claps on beat, a lot and its amazing watching her when we put music on she tries different ways of dancing and her face gets really thoughtful and i swear you can see her trying to find the beat.... and then she does and dances accordingly. its insane... i mean i guess its not that big of a surprise that its in her, its just amazing to see because we dont play music for her a lot and even seth doesn’t play guitar at home much, its so obvious that its just something that’s in her... she started ’singing’ soooo young and has since, its not just a baby making noises and she started dancing at 8 months..... i never thought i’d have a musical kid cause people are always like ’oh h you gonna be a singer like your daddy’ and its just annoying.... so i was like ’just because a parent does music, doesn’t mean their child is going to also’ but she really really really has it in her, deep inside her, we can see it, its weird. but also awesome.

pagan christianity

so this is the book i have been reading, my in laws got it for us.... and i read it for two hours the night i got it, which is the opposite of something i would normally do... but i LOVE it. its so much of exactly how i’ve felt for so long, but didnt know exactly how to communicate and it explains so much more of why i feel so uncomfortable with the traditional way of church.... i’ve felt for so long like it just doesn’t really make sense with the bible, and the idea of one guy standing up there and talking seemed like the most foreign way to learn about God, the bible, anything like that.... and dont even get me started on ’worship’ that has been the WEIRDEST thing to me, so uncomfortable and really just something i do not get. i’m only half way through this book right now but so far i really like it, a lot of the churches it describes are really extreme to me, compared to the kind of churches i used to go to, but i know most churches are actually like the ones he describes... anyway it made me not feel bad about not liking church and yea i have hard time with getting grossed out by church and some of that is because of mercy but a lot of it is just because i really really do feel like its this weird man made institution that we call ’gods house’ and its not. its hard to even put all of this into words for me .. if i was talking it would be easy.. anyway the way he describes the real meaning of ’church’ as jesus and his apostles would have known it is what has been my heart for the past two years and when i’ve been in those kinds of gatherings its really been the most amazing times of my life. its hard to describe the difference for people to understand unless they go.....

at so many times i’ve wanted to start that at my house, a brunch every sunday morning, or maybe during the week in the evening have dinner and then all talk... i think we should start it, i need it again, and theres no where around here with anyone i know doing it.... plus it would be hard for us to go places in the evening with arabella, anyway i’ll talk to seth about it, and maybe we’ll start it up here, if people will come to atascadero! i know how you stinkers are....

middle of nowhere

i’m here. i decided to come to modesto, and i did. i’m glad i did, the house we’re at is great, theres a little boy a year older than ara and a 7 month old, theres a big play room and a yard and we’re in a separate house and ara has her own place to sleep. yay! i’m going to read now, and then go to sleep! i’m already half way through a book i started last night! i read for two hours straight, i know that doesnt sound like me, but i LOVE this book... i will write about it more later....

modesto

i’m contemplating driving to modesto, where seth is right now even though we dont have extra money for that... i’m having the hardest time with arabella, still. she was sooooo happy at her grandmas house yesterday, laughing playing... as soon as we started to pull out of the driveway she started screaming and crying.... she cried all the way home and was fussy the whole time we were at home, and had her usual outbursts of anger, which i’m sure she didn’t have at grandmas house. how am i going to handle two weeks? alone. with her?

props to single mothers. you are the most amazing people in the world.

church

so. i went to church. i know crazy... haha... but i wanted to have a reason to get dressed up in my fluffy skirt and wear my big white hat on easter.

first of all it was our friends erin and karl’s church also josh and flo’s former place of worship haha... and it was at the seventh day adventist building downtown on osos st.... which was the former meeting place of the dreaded X. (aka mercy church). oh the memories that came pouring in and made me freeze in my beautiful outfit. i could feel this boiling of my blood from the un comfort of those walls flowing from the depth of my heart to the tips of my fingers and toes and up through the very top of my head. all before we even sat down. what a mark they have left on me. we happened to sing a song written by the infamous terry page as it so happened, thats when my heart started to ache.... i can’t stand the fact that those things can still affect me. i HATE it. i want to never think of mercy church again, i want to let it fade from my memories, i never want to lay eyes on the pages, (which by the way i happened to just two days before) convenient. ... but i can’t. i can’t just never see them, and i cant just escape the betrayal and hurt that happened to me, obviously by now that is one thing i get. it affected the way i viewed the entire service at this church i was at, which was a COMPLETELY seriously, a completely different church. i mean Presbyterian... which is like the opposite of a vineyard.... and definitely g12.

i dont want to hate church. i dont want to LOVE it exactly, i just want to have peace with it and not mind it. but right now, it makes me mad, STILL! i mean there were things i appreciated about the church, but in my heart i still felt like ’i mean, thats a nice thing to do, for a church.’ like churches are crazy people or something!! ahhh.

anyway i dont really agree or believe in churches or the way modern religion is run, but i want to feel ok about it, like i dont believe in it, but it doesn’t make me feel ANY negative feelings, because in my head i know its not bad, in my head i know its even good for some... i dont have problems with other religions, i mean i dont believe in them, or i would be in them, but i just dont mind them, i think they’re good. but when it comes to christianity i really feel so much anger towards it and feel it is so unjust when it of all religions is supposed to be so just and so compassionate, so pure, so lovely.... like jesus. i guess its just that yea i dont see a whole lot that looks like Jesus in church these days, any church, which wouldn’t be such a big deal cause we’re all just human, but when i look at that through a scarred heart and a spirit that has become hard in defense.... its much harder to take. i want to say that i just want to love, and a huge part of me does, but theres still a little black corner of me that doesn’t want to love christianity, that doesn’t want to accept it or say its ok.

i believe in God, i love him, i love Jesus, but how can i if i dont love people, whether i think they’re right or wrong or unjust.... love doesn’t care. i shouldn’t either.

man those freaking pages. which brings me to the part where i saw them.... and denise comes up and says ’hey beautiful’ like she never yelled at me and called me ungodly, and then never apologized and also lied about it..... why? why can’t people just treat each other the way they really feel? i would never go up to her and say hi, cause i think she’s crazy, and maybe thats mean, but at least its honest. i’d rather be honest then wear a mask of kindness.

see. no love. what a creep.

God how do i love? even when people are being stupid and crazy..... just like me.

government... a family member in need?

i was reading about arabellas savings bonds to see what i needed to do for them and how they accrue and all .... and the other day i got the letter the gov sent out to everyone telling them about the extra money we’ll get from the economic stimulus package and i just keep having this feeling like our government is my broke family member who’s in debt and keeps trying to buy stuff or give me presents and i know they dont really have it to give.... its that awkward like, ’oh thanks for the gift cerificate, but i feel really awkward cause i know you’re in a lot of financial trouble and probably shouldn’t be giving this to me’ ... besides that do we really think this is going to ’stimulate’ our economy? most people are in such financial trouble they’re going to save it or pay off debt with it..... not go buy more crap they can’t afford... i (kind of?) hope anyway. its really a catch 22. buy more things we can’t afford and stay in debt, keep being consumers trapped by interest, bad loans and false credit ... or stimulate our economy with the lowly amount of 600-1200 bucks and hopefully reverse this recession? something in me tells me, this isn’t the solution..... but i am glad to have an extra 1200+ whatever extra for having a child... its going straight to our carefully written already in action ’pay off all debt this year’ plan. exciting.

our country needs to schedule a meeting with suze orman. asap.


oh georgie porgie.

its 4:58 in the morning

i am ususally a pretty ’in control’ person and in any given situation its not very hard for me to decide what needs to be done and take action.... but in the particular situation i am in now i never quite feel like i know the right thing to do, and relative to other moms i’m probably in this situation A LOT....


seth just called at 4:30, he was coming home from a show in LA and ran out of gas, not uncommon in this household.... although i still dont quite understand why.... anyway so he ran out of gas by santa margarita and had to walk about a mile to a call box cause his phone was dead. so here i am 4:30 in the morning with a husband in the middle of nowhhere in the dark, near a creepy state hospital... and a tiny girl sound asleep, who if woken so late in the night would be up for the day.... and its cold outside.

would you get her out of bed? or call one of 4 relatives who live within a mile and see if they can get him?

i never know whats better, wake them or her. i always choose wake them though.


this time i called jason, i figured he had just got home (to paso), he had seen seth pull off and not put two and two together, so its kinda his fault too? ha..... anyway i really wanna know what you other parents would do in this situation.... and hopefully i wont have to be in it ever again!


its 5:11 now (it didnt really take me 13 minutes to write this small amount, my computer died in the middle and i had to get the charger and blah blah blah....) and i’m still waiting for him.... stressful.

good day

i had a really good day today. i’m so happy because i’ve just been feeling so crappy lately and today seth had to go to LA so i was worried about how well i’d be coping by the end of the day with arabella since she’s been having defiance issues and ive been feeling terrible.... BUT today was great.... we left the house at 1030 got to slo, ara was asleep i got her in the ergo got food at firestone, took it to the park at my moms work by 1130 ate and let her run around in the grass, my mom came at 12 and ate and played with ara til 1... we went to get gas then went to old navy to spend a gift card i got from my bf flo... i got a shirt then went to its a grind my fav coffee place and got myself a suuuuuuuuuper special treat.... we left san luis came home and ara and i took a nap from 230 till 430! when she woke up we went shopping with seth’s mom and then had dinner at their house... we got home a little while ago and ara’s in bed. i didn’t feel lethargic, sick or ridiculously tired all day, plus all the meals i had i actually really liked and wanted (which for a pregnant person is a miracle)! and i had so much patience for arabella... and the best time reading her two books before putting her to bed.

that is what i call the grace of God.