settle

growing up was constant chaos.

not just because my mother was half way present, and not just because we moved an average of 2 times a year. but because every 'home', which never felt as it sounds, was in constant chaos itself. there were always boxes that wanted to be unpacked, but wouldn't because they would be leaving again soon. there was always papers upon papers piled high on any small available space we had. every windowsill and counter top that wasn't taken up by bills was covered in my mothers useless knickknacks; tiny tiny plants too small to bring any oxygen into our lives, old chocolate wrappers that i had (as a two year old mind you) folded back up and given to her, rocks we found on walks. you name it, it was on our windowsill. we never ate dinner together, never sat at a table, even when we had one. we never lived in a place with enough room, so my mother usually made her bed on the couch. a couple times, we both did. we always lived in apartments that were inherently dirty to begin with, so the clutter only made it that much more charming. i was never made to clean a thing, not my room, not the bathroom, not the dishes, nothing. half of me was lost in a world of make believe that medicated my tired young soul and half of me was tending to a mother who seemed to cry more than the average mother should. although i can remember feeling unsafe in our cluttered messes, they were not priority.

when i was 12 i moved in with my grandparents. i did this because having fallen victim to small town boredom, i had become a theif. as part of probation my option was to move away. my grandmother was beyond hard on me, i am thankful for her every day. at the time i thought what she put me through was insane, and you know even looking back, it was a little crazy. but she is the reason i am a functioning adult. she is the reason i can clean, cook, discipline my children, have common sense or any amount of motivation in life.

she had me do chores, she made me clean my room til it was spotless and she made me dinner every night. every night. if i left an article of clothing on the floor in my room it was taken and i would buy it back with part of my allowance. i can remember one of the first days i was there i was told to sweep the porch. i went outside and did what i thought it looked like i should do. i know this probably sounds like the most foolish thing in the world, but i didn't know how to use the broom. she came out and showed me.

when i left her home to come back to mine there was a part of me that had been woken up. i had always been an organized person, i had always had that inside me. but i grew up in a home where nothing about who i am was nurtured or fostered, nothing was pushed to grow. so i had never known.

since then i have had a few times in my life where the chaos takes over again and i let everything fall around me, its scary, and yet that scariness is comfortable. so at some spots in my life since then, for whatever reason i'm feeling some way that makes me regress to that scary mess, ive let it go.

in general and in life though i thrive off of organization. i think its a combination of what has always been in me and my drive to be the polar opposite of my mother.

seth and i are different when it comes to this issue. he likes clean things, but he is very ok with disorganization. i think he's better living with it if its hidden, but i know its still there and in my mind its very there, eating me alive. some say its because he's an artist and they are messy people, some believe he never had to clean his own messes growing up... hmm... either way its been something that is hard for us both. his closet is something i dream about, that makes me feel like i'm going to have a nervous breakdown at any moment. i can close it and try to pretend everything isn't desheleved behind those doors, but my heart knows better. i've gone through phases where i clean it for him but the amount of effort i put into it isn't worth the amount of time it stays even remotely organized. i haven't been very serious in the past when telling him how much it bothers me. i've let it take me over, i've let it cloud my motivation to keep my house the way i would have it. it makes it hard for me to be motivated to clean as deeply and regularly as i like because inside i know there will always be a hidden mess.

this transfers into my emotional self. this is the neurotic part. i start to feel crazy, discontent, lonely, stressed, overwhelmed and scattered when the disorganization gets to me. i thought when we moved here, because we were getting rid of stuff it would be organized, but nope.

anyway, all this to say that he has heard my cry. my wails. my screams.

seth cleaned out his closet and got rid of SO much stuff.

i feel like i can breathe again, and i feel like there is a point to all the cleaning i do everyday. i feel like every part of our house is organized.

... except his nightstand, but that's where i draw the line for myself.

thank you seth, you just saved my life.

old young man

i'm pretty much in love with this guy.
i love his old man voice, and then how he's not old.
i can't really get enough right now.

please note the actual old man playing finger symbols in the background. precious.

soundtrack of my life

alright ash tagged me.

this is only second time i've ever been tagged. i like being tagged.

so.... pick some songs that were the soundtrack of your life at certain times.

i tag...

flo
emery
erin
erin
erin
travis (which you did NOT participate in my last tag. LAME... i mean come on. i have like 7 blog friends)

alright here we go....

all of the smith sisters. (which i'm sure NO ONE has heard of)

the entire amy grant album heart in motion

entire whats in the way album- watashi wa

the gibbs

emery clarks first lil ep

its over- fire theft

copperline- james taylor

stay- alison krauss

shes in love with a boy- trisha yearwood

new slang- the shins

down- 311

teenage politics- mxpx

quit your life- mxpx

let go- frou frou

ride with me- nelly

ignition- r. kelly

always be my baby- mariah carrey

dammit- blink182

entire parachutes album- coldplay

the scientist- coldplay

warning sign- coldplay

fix you- coldplay

i love you always forever- donna lewis

shoot the moon- norah jones

love song for no one- john mayer

never is a promise- fiona apple

stay- lisa loeb

look-watashi wa

she changes your mind & there cannot be a close second- copeland

making plans for nigel- xtc

doubting thomas- nickel creek

everything in its right place- radiohead

dont look back in anger- oasis

nothing but a miracle- diane birch

inní mér syngur vitleysingur- sigur rós


i mean... i could do this forever. i'll stop there.

i know i added some albums but i like to break rules.

torn cocoon

i feel like my warm place is gone.

thats why i shouldn't have said it.

i shouldn't have let anyone into my cocoon.

now its torn, i want to be alone and i dont want to feel lonely. i'm confused. i feel like i've regressed. i'm 16 year old skylana, 19 year old skylana. my words dont make sense and i can't write what's going on. i dont know how to cope when i can't write, but theres a block. i just sit there with my pen in my hand and there's nothing. i doodle because my words can't do anything justice. there's space in my mind that i dont know how to feel comfort in, and there's places that are too full to manage.

sometimes i think i'm a person who is doomed to live on the edge of reason for the rest of my life. to always be almost right there, almost normal, almost make sense.... but destined to stand on the edge of a cliff, with no bridge, no way to reconcile. i feel foreign in my own skin. i feel unfamiliar and not relateable. mostly i feel lonely.

but i dont want anyone near. i want to push everyone away, although i know i'm not capable. maybe i'll learn how. is this because i want to feel the lonliness? i want to feel my pain? i dont understand. i understand nothing inside me, which is something i am not used to. i feel very lost.

in hiding

this is where i am.

shaded by thick green leaves, wrapped tightly in a safe warm chamber.
leaving my sharp exterior for soft colorful wings.

****************

i've been shedding my skin, becoming full on people, on life, on freedom.
i've been overindulging in everything i can get my hands on, i've been ravaging like a hungry caterpillar. my mind became full, my heart, my senses, everything ready to burst at the seems.

instead of bursting i climed to a safe place and spun a silken gold chrysalis around me.

hiding is peaceful.

i feel myself inside this place now, calm and waiting. i know i'm changing, that was never in question. barely breathing, barely moving, hardly thinking.

i'm just waiting.

although i know this is essential, it differs from anything i have known.
i have been convinced i needed to fight it. i realize now i dont.

this isn't defense. this is metimorphisis.

i can't possibly know what will break out of this cocoon, it remains unclear to me. i'm starting to be ok with that. being so comfortable in change has never been familiar to me and it made me unsettled, i understand that this was supposed to be.

i'm finding comfort in knowing that not everyone knows what is going on inside my safe home, while i change.

this change is mine, i am mine.

bird by bird

i am reading bird by bird by anne lamott (which by the way i had to drive over fragments of my honda to get, because my crash happened right outside the library). this has evidently been passed through some of my friends and has made its way to me. i'm so thankful. reading this book is like reading myself sometimes. me and anne are definitely not the same, but as writers we think a lot a like... which im thinking most do. i have never in my life though of myself as a writer until somewhere along the lines of this past year i realized thats who i am. now i know that is who i am. its in me.

most of you probably know i have started writing a book. i get defeated and dont want to write, i get overwhelmed, i get so obsessed with making sure what i write is perfect. and its not. reading this book is helping me so much i can't even tell you.

today i actually got to sit and read it and take notes. i took notes on her instruction and i outlined characters. i got 5 pages down on my mother alone and i'm not done with her. its so helpful. i'm just crazy excited. anyway.....

seth being gone has been totally fine. i always forget this, that after the first night i get in my own world and i like being without him. doing the things i want to do, having alone time at night. not that i dont miss him... i just like being alone, a lot... i just forget that until i get into it.

so i spent some time writing while the kids slept. the girls were really good today, they went to bed really easy, our house is very clean, and now i'm watching HSM (oh and its the dance slash sing along marathon) like a freak and drinking wine. its good.

i need love

the strongest most common feeling i had growing up was loneliness.

lately, for a couple years, i have been on the defense. trying endlessly to explain and convince on behalf of my character. its been more and more lately that i end up in these places where i'm on the defense, trying to explain that i miss spoke etc. maybe everyone feels as misunderstood as i do, maybe its rare. i dont know and i dont really care. i just know that i'm really really at the end of it. the very end. i'm sick of wasting my time trying to explain myself, i dont know how to fix this problem, i barely know how to accurately explain this problem. anyway nothing really makes me feel as lonely as being misunderstood by someone i care to be understood by, i think thats a normal feeling.

two times when i've felt this recently seth has had to leave. this time he's leaving all weekend, over fathers day. now, as its own seperate issue from the defense, i get very lonely on fathers day. given that i do not have a father i have always hated this day. holidays growing up were in general not very great, we were very very very poor and our family was just me, my mom and later my sister and brother. usually my sister was with her dad and it was just my mother and my little brother. he was too young to really be a part of anything and we didn't really do much because it was just us. i always felt lonely. i always felt poor and always ashamed. fathers day was the worst. all my friends were busy with their fathers and i was having that same lonely holiday feeling only this time i didn't actually have reason to celebrate. all i wanted was a big family to surround me, to go out to eat and give gifts, tells stories and laugh.

so this weekend i'm feeling all of these things misundertsood, on the defense and like that lonely little girl without a father. if this sounds ridiculous to you, dont worry, you are not alone. i despise feeling things like this, i hate that my childhood can affect me, i want to be so much stronger than it that i can laugh it off. but i can't. its not funny.

i feel like seth leaving has been so in sync with other situations that have brought me that lonely feeling the last few times it seems almost on purpose. not seth doing it on purpose but the universe, god, satan, doing it. seth suggests that maybe its just entropy....

it all feels very on purpose, such bad timing cant be coincedence can it?

i'm sure it could.

whatever the true cause, its here and i hate it. my heart aches and i feel like a lonely child trying to take care of children.

my feeling of wanting to hide just keeps coming back.

i want to hide but i want love. all at the same time.

my dream house

joes house

by osburn/clarke.

i'd really take any of their homes.

nothing has made me this happy

probably for the past at least 8 years.

no, not even my kids being born.

flo posted this link on her blog, and i am stealing it. i do that a lot.

but this, this is more than i could have ever dreamed of.

my blessing my curse

i'm a multitasking junkie. (yes i'm the man in the backround, not the lady)

this is an amazing thing about me. i can do 5 things at once, and i can do them well. not to sound too arrogant but, when you are an intelligent person you dont have to try as hard at the things you put your hands or mind to in order for other people to think you've done an amazing job. i have been able to use this to my advantage mixed with my gift of multitasking to become so efficient at all the things i do its almost ridiculous. i have systems upon systems and i can layer like no one when getting things done. i get things done crazy fast and crazy good. i could probably do better if i slowed down, but most the time the end result is above average anyway, so there's no need for extra effort.

the down side... is that i need it.

i NEED more than one thing going on, all the time. all the time. ideally i would engage in about 3 activities that demand my attention at once. a lot of times this is the case. i can't read without listening to music and sometimes while i read and listen to music i need to text someone or watch tv also, so that i can focus on my book. if i sit with a book, in silence, i might as well be in a normal person's crowded party trying to read because its not gonna happen. its hard for me to spend time with one person, it could be seth or any one of my closest friends, and unless i'm sad i need something else to focus on while talking with them... so i can focus on them. lately i've tried to watch shows or movies without also being on the internet and texting someone. its really really really hard for me. its like my mind just keeps getting distracted and i keep saying 'mind, please watch this movie. be satisfied. pay attention.' this is why smoking with seth has been so great, its like the one time we sit down and talk without having a million other things going on where i actually feel like i'm fully there. the cigarettes mellow my brain enough for me to be on the same level as a regular person. to come out of my head and live in the real world.

i want to figure out a way to mellow and focus, but i dont want to lose my multitasking skills.

does anyone else have this problem? i feel almost addicted to multitasking, like i need it in order to function properly....

perfect solution

this is the car seat that both my girls have. i love it. i love that its like the safest car seat ever, that its super cute and has a million cushy pillows. well, we can't use nolas anymore. if you know about britax, you know these car seats are not cheap. we are getting a check for the amount this one sells for. amazing. so i started to try and find one at a store near us so that we could get it ASAP since she technically isn't supposed to be in her old one anymore. this seat hardly exists anymore (in this pattern) and i just got one like 9 months ago!!! so i was going to get the same seat and transfer the cover.... THEN i realized there's a WAY better solution.....

the frontier.

arabella's new car seat and last car seat she'll have (god willing there are no more accidents). i'll give her car seat to nola. plus this one is even less expensive than the decathlon.

i'm sad that they wont have matching seats, and i'm sad that ara will be moving into a bigger kid seat... but i'm also really glad that we can get it for free and not have to buy one soon anyway and then have two decathlons. she's been looking rather large in her car seat lately anyway, which she's not, she still has about 35lbs to go til she's too big for it.. but still.

perfect solution.

accident

my light was green.

before i could think i saw his face, took my foot off the gas pedal, and thought of nola.

our cars slammed together with a crunch i saw my airbag come out in slow motion as i was thrust forward into my steering wheel and i heard her cry.

everything stopped, i smelled oil and smoke.

i got out of the car as fast as i could and ran to my baby.

she smiled when she saw me.

everything was ok.

*******

on the way to pick up arabella from preschool today i got in a car accident. i was driving east on agoura rd and the car i ran into was turning to their left across my lane. they were supposed to yield to me, instead they turned when i was almost already in the intersection and then stopped in front of me.

i had a witness, thank god, a sweet lady who knew my light was green and knew they stopped in front of me, she called the police for me. the police were very sweet and took care of everything. they gave him a citation and called the fire department to make sure nola was ok.

our car is most likely totalled, but we will see.

luckily it was the other persons fault but whether they deem it theirs or ours we have a small deductible and gap insurance.

i'm so so so thankful that nola is ok. my nose, neck and back hurt but i'm great.

our car... sad.

the insurance company just called me and informed that i can no longer use nola's carseat, BUT they are sending me a check for the amount they sell for so i can go get a new one.

i am feeling dizzy, like i can't focus very well and my hearing is weird. i dont know what that means.

we're hilarious

so as you know seth and i go out and smoke on our balcony almost every night... tonight we had some good quotes i thought i should share...

(from the other night ... seth: 'babe, you look like kurt cobain. are you ok?' )

then tonight... 'you look like kurt cobain... again.' - this could be a problem. or the best thing that's ever happened to me.

later on in reference to my affect on people... 'yea babe, you are like a gateway drug.'

me on life: 'i'm not afraid of my lows because they only lead to higher highs.'

me on places i know about in pennsylvania: 'i only knew about philadelphia till you told me about pittsburgh. i thought it was pittsburgh boston.'

i'm not really into other states.

belly buttons

ok, i already have issues with belly buttons.

like its not bad enough that they are where you are connected to your mother through a long bloody tube, that they heal by being 'tied' and crusting off, and that they can be reopened, there are only a million other things that have made me grossed out by belly buttons... take the following...

1. knowing two people who's belly button lint (already sick that that exists) smelled like feet and parmesan cheese.

2. my brother having a hernia behind his.

3. an ex boyfriend who's belly button looked more like a silver dollar sized slight dip in his stomach. (seriously almost a deal breaker)

4. the fact that people have outies. (no offense to anyone i know who has one. i will always love you no matter how grossed out i am by your condition. ;)

and most of all

5. my appendix was taken out through mine. my scar is not visible AT ALL, it was over 8 years ago and i still get scared its going to pop open sometimes.

now, i thought those were reason enough (and BEYOND) to hate belly buttons... then i saw these...
this one i'm willing to look past since, lets face it... besides the button and the horse face, shes a pretty hot super model.

and this one, creepy yes, but she had 30 kids AND a tummy tuck so.. its to be expected.

this on the other hand....its unforgivable and will be giving me nightmares for maybe the rest of my life.

what the fuck?

jesus

last night i missed jesus.



its weird to be in the absence of god, or goodness. this has never happened in my life. i have never felt like i was in the presence of anyone who had the absence of these things.i can see god, i can see life, i can see goodness, i can see hope in EVERYONE. when we say we dont believe in god anymore, if he is real despite our claims, does he move away? does he leave us to ourselves completely? i dont know how involved i believe the higher power is to begin with, but i believe he is near... i believe there is a god, higher power, whatever we must label it... how involved it/he/she is in our lives is what i question. what i do know is that i can see things in people, in my own opinion (which doesn't actually mean anything), that look like life, god, hope, light, goodness... and in the absence of these things is only a desert.

the desert isnt good for my heart. its left me thirsty, hot and far from any sign of life. im like a cactus who's water supply is low, its there in me. there will always be water in me but i need an outside source to fill me again, bring me into bloom. please dont mistake this to mean i feel i need 'god' to do this, i just mean i need people.

all of a sudden i find myself searching, reaching, grasping for life. running after hope wherever i can find it. i want to stand next to the light i see in people and get bright again, i want their warm hearts to defrost my own. i like the people who believe in jesus, their hearts seem the warmest for me right now. i dont know what that means. the least i know it means is that it makes me miss jesus.

amelie

this is maybe my favorite movie of all time. (one time i had my hair exactly like hers... how weird is that?... can you picture it?)

definitely my favorite album to listen to is this soundtrack.

if you have not seen this movie, you probably should.

just like karl

i dont really know anyone in school. so anytime i think about school, or say the word school i think of karl. all day today i told ara she was just like karl.

so arabella was supposed to start on monday, but she COULD NOT wait. after we went to get all her registration papers on thursday the whole afternoon and evening she just kept saying 'i want to go to school! pleeeeease!!! i wanna go to preschool!' so i called and asked if she could start today. yes. she could. i went and got her a new backpack and a folder. i packed up her lunch and i was beyond excited.

we had pancakes for breakfast and a little photo sesh.

this was seriously the best day of my life with her so far. she was so excited that when we got there she ran right into her class room hugged and kissed us all goodbye and that was it... next thing i knew she had her own tea party all set up. fast.

my day was amazing, it felt like the longest best day in the world. i got to hang out alone, hang out with nola... AND take a shower! (without any tiny people peeking in the whole time)

her teacher said she was amazing. she went to the bathroom in the bathroom the whole time she was there and when i came to get her and asked if she was ready to go she shrugged her shoulders and looked indifferent.... i said 'wanna go see papa?'... she decided we could leave.

as i was leaving samwise held the door open for us and called arabella beautiful.

this is by far the best decision i have ever made. she can't wait to go back, and i can't wait for her to either.

when it was time for bed she said 'i want miss brandi to put me to bed'... so she likes her teacher.

wonderful










i had to throw these in, they're from a few days ago... i'm obsessed.... and i can't get enough of 'princess dora' GROSS.

home

the most home i have ever felt is in the connection from my heart to an others. from my heart to my friends hearts. my friends have always been my family and have always been where i feel at home. like i said earlier this week i'm not quite sure about what is going on with me, there are some specific things that have happened that have tripped out my mind and made my heart ache. i have felt on the defense, like i happen to be a lot and maybe that's why i craved being alone. i dont have to defend myself, against myself. i'll always love me, always think the best of me, always know what's in my heart. now i'm ready to not be alone all the time, but the people i want around me are far. i need some florence in my life, i need a bit of erin lundeen and a heep of mrs. biermann. i need my old friends who know who i am, who love me and bring hope and life into my heart. its hard because i'm not a phone person, neither are the erins and although flo is we miss each other time and time again. i hung out with brook on monday but they practically still live in slo, so there isn't much time to see each other. the only friend i had down here who has known me since i was little is off the friend market right now, which is really a bummer cause i could use that kind of familiarity. my heart feels like a compass that can't find the north. for the first time since i can even remember tonight i really just wanted seth to hug me, hold me and let me cry (if you know me, you know this means something serious). he couldn't though, he had a party in hollywood. so here i am, home alone, which usually i love and tonight i dont. more than anything in the world i want to call up one of my favorite people in the world and have them come over... or all of them. instead, i'm gonna drink some wine, probably cry and watch a movie. its like i really am a girl.

time for backpack

arabella starts school on monday. i'm so ridiculously excited i can't even express it. she has been ready for school since she was like 18 months old as far as i'm concerned, we just couldn't afford to put her in, especially without a very good reason. i found a preschool that i loved when i first moved down here and even though i kinda looked into others, this one had my heart. i wont say what it is on here just so the world doesn't know where to find my child mon, wed & fri from 7:30-12:30... haha. i know that all toddlers are active and like stimulation, but theres not really anyway to describe just how 'involved' arabella is unless you know her. she has always been insanely social, really crazy intelligent and a non stop explorer. so its always been hard to keep her entertained, especially if we stay home all day... with no yard. people that know arabella know that she is so social that as a baby she never got fussy when we went out, she got fussy when we stayed home. anyway, all this to say she NEEDS this so bad she has for a long time but recently its gotten to a point i just cant handle anymore. obviously on top of her needing it.... I NEED IT. bad. to have time to myself is going to be amazing, to have time with nola without ara jumping on top of her, is going to be amazing.

i'm really excited about the school i chose because i love love love the director and owner, i love how they discipline, i love that the classes are SUPER small, i love the building and how clean and organized it all is, i love the events that they have, i adore the way they teach... its all exactly what i would hope for. they have movie nights in the summer too for the families where they put up a big projector and everyone sits on their huge lawn and eats popcorn and watches a movie. they have field trip type events that they bring to the school so your child gets super cool experiences without being a tiny child out in the big world without you there... they're really really into music and art, which is obviously super important to seth and i. so i could go on for about an hour over all the reasons i love this place, but i'll stop here. i'm very very excited and arabella is too, she loves her school, she loves the people there and she just keeps saying she can't wait! now we can put her purple backpack to use :)

weather or not

Ok, I've had my fill. I'm really really sick of this weather. I need sunshine. If the sun doesn't show it's face, if I dont find myself on the beach real soon I'm gonna lose it. I know this is not a real post but I have a lot of stupid things to say lately and not many people to say them to... Oh and no facebook to post them to... So this is what happens! Haha...

lipo6 baby!

save the Trimspa for good old haggard anna nicole (RIP)... i've got something better. this morning i woke up, ate a VERY large bowl of tortilini with alfredo sauce covered in romano at 9am, got officially disgusted with myself and went to gnc. thanks to a friend, i was pointed towards this lovely little gem. as most of you know i've been waiting to be done nursing to start taking diet pills. well, i'm done nursing. these pills are as far as i know, wonderful. i took one and got pumped. went to the gym for an hour and a half, ran like a maniac, sweat like a man, and i'm sure burned a million calories. people constantly tell me i dont need diet pills, but 'people' aren't with me when i'm naked. i'm pretty sure diet pills are the only way to mellow this food addict enough to get me back to perfectly pre baby. i can exercise like a fool but when it comes to cutting calories, no self control. not long term anyway. i'm super excited and i hope this will help me seriously kick the last ten pounds and get super.. ok... look out... i'm going to use it... TONED. also, as i can tell already, these things are definitely going to give me some extra energy i desperately need. those of you who knew me the last time i took diet pills, dont fret. this time they dont have ephedrine, i wont be taking 8 a day, and i'm not going to stop eating all food while taking them. (so hopefully no purple lips or passing out .. haha) ahh the good old days. anyway i'm on a road towards my fake titties and the journey is getting shorter, i'd like to be in my most prime before its time to add those extra booby pounds :)

p.s. while i was at the gym someone SERIOUSLY farted in my face! and the guy next to me was punching air... it was all very weird.

i'm gonna have my 20's

.... i'm going to have my children too.

and i'm going to do it well.

smoking and drinking has the same affect on me that 'worshiping' or 'god' did. i can go out on my balcony with a glass of wine and a cigarette, look at the magnificent hills behind my home and feel the things i felt when i got down on my knees in church. peace, awe, love, hope, freedom, air. no wonder i needed to find god when i was done partying... i had to find something to fill that hole. haha. seriously though....

both these things are chemical highs you get from an outside source, well maybe one is from an inside source... i know some people really think the creator of the universe is interacting with them... and you know what? maybe he is.. but i think its us. we get all emotional and feed off of the atmosphere and create an emotional high that feels like something more. its not, its just our mind, chemicals creating a feeling that we like. the thing is, with smoking and drinking i feel more sober.

i'm glad i've found my new religion.

obviously

i feel better about writing.

thank god... actually thank people who are fucking idiots.

that's what made me not want to write and now its making me want to write.. so... perfect.

i just wanted to write about how im not on facebook anymore and i LOVE it. yes, i still think about 30 times a day 'i should update my status'... SICK.... but at least i dont slash can't actually do it. its nice to feel like my life, is MY life... not a bunch of peoples news feed. also i get tons more shit done. haha

i decided that since i wasn't going to be on facebook, i'm losing friends right and left, and i'm kind of over tv... i needed something to fill my time with.... i dont want to commit to a book because lets face it... I HATE COMMITMENT... but.... magazines? magazines are something i can commit to. (also i started smoking every night ah ah ahhhh).... so... i ordered wired, which is kinda weird... but this is one of my favorite magazines.... i also ordered ready made and time. i'm super excited. i really want an interior design or architecture magazine but since they are so expensive i have to figure out which one i really really love before i decide... any ideas?

anyway, its super good to not be on facebook. my account is only 'deactivated' so at some point i might go back... we'll see... for now, i like being a ghost.

my other project is getting rid of everything in my house... since i'm in the purging phase i'm a crazy woman. my house CANNOT get clean enough and i want every single orifice cleared out, i want total and COMPLETE organization. this can be hard when you have children and are married to an... um... artist... but i will succeed (or i will lose my mind).

hopefully the sun will come back soon and with that dear old friends.... because i'd like to go outside and i like the warmth that both these necessities bring.. but if not i will find a way to be cozy... with my magazines, cigarettes and organized closets.

in the mean time i'm enjoying myself. hanging out alone is the best thing i've ever done actually. i'm gonna soak me up....

taking crazy pills...

excuse me but... is anyone watching I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here?

because what the fuck is up with spencer and heidi?

i'm seriously in shock... like all this puking and talking about demons coming out?!!?

i'm just really confused as to what the hell happened here.... oh and one crazy thing, seth recorded spencer talking on his computer while i was watching so he had some talking to replay backwards at the beginning of one of his songs and it was SUPER weird because what spencer was actually saying was that part where he apologizes and talks about how he never has apologized (later he tells in his confession thing that he wasn't actually sorry but that he has duped everyone into thinking he is).. anyway when seth played it back he was saying something about long beach, going to 'her' house, and then he says 'i'm all alone' and this CRAZY sounds happens (which we cant find on the show) and seths song starts... creepy.

anyway i fucking love this... spencer with like the holy spirit on him, puking all over, reading the bible, falling into the water... heidi puking then having jesus dreams... the best.

if you dont watch this, please start. its hilarious.

ooooh religion...


oh and p.s. i'm in love with sanjaya YET AGAIN.

remember that your eyes can be your enemies

someone has, actually some people have, left a hole in my pocket, now i have to try and patch it.

i have been on the verge, the verge of a question mark, the calm bringing me blindly to an end i've been unsure of. slowly ive wanted to be alone, more and more... all of a sudden my life feels like its purging itself all around me.

purging myself of people, of things.

i want to open every closet door, every cupboard, every drawer and toss everything out. i want to make myself a cup of tea and curl up on the couch, in a room full of nothing.

i dont understand why people come into our lives only to leave. why we have seasons of love. some kinds of love shouldn't be taken away. lately there has been too much taken away. ive hit my absolute limit, all my boundaries have been crossed, all my walls blasted down. i've felt small, naked, and alone in a room full of strangers. i used to feel like a breathtaking anomaly being watched by fascinated well wishers.

i dont let go easily, i dont deal well with feeling abandoned, being hurt does not suit me and i dont like change. my life, everyday is woven through and through by change, by abandonment, by the need to let go.

i dont know anymore how to explain the process that i have been going through, it doesn't make sense anymore, every step was making sense. never in my life have i felt the desire to be separated from people. ever. i can't tell if this is good, or defense. i really can't. maybe its both.

my mood now matches the weather, which is dreadful and not helpful in the least no matter how justified it makes me feel in my bitterness, that even the sun wants to hide.

i always move forward, i always grow. as much as i want to hide, deeply completely, this seems to be the one thing i can't leave. writing into an empty echoing room does not bode well for my soul. it goes against the very nature of who i am. at this point thats what i almost feel like my heart is screaming to do, go against me, become un-me.

my season of peace was short, but i'm working for peace again. this peace will be more, stronger, resilient, because this time i know what peace feels like, i know its character and i will embrace it. when i search it out i will cling to it, when it comes walking into my heart i will capture it, when it is only passing by my door i will swing my doors wide and welcome it in.

i can feel myself becoming different. i hope, and believe as i always do, that i am becoming a better me... i will say this time, it really doesn't feel that way. i trust my heart though, i always trust my heart. whatever end is meant, whatever end will be laced in victory that is the end i will find.

my mood is bittersweet, like these clouds, this rain in june. it is sweet to be reminded of the winter, when my babies were born, the smell of cinnamon and peppermint surrounded me and the warmth of life came from inside the walls of my home. it is bitter to live under the darkness of the cloud cover, to feel biting cold striking your features, to exist without the golden glow of the sun on your skin, trapped indoors.


life doesn't get any more numb when you feel as deeply as i do. i dont feel as often as most but when i do, it cuts straight to the core of my soul. sometimes i beg to be numbed, try to suffocate my own nerves, but this is not who i am. i am a feeler, love, happiness, compassion and alongside all of these their painful counterparts. it is good. it is hard, it is frustrating, it is life, hopeful and good. the one thing i can say to my benefit, in the midst of my tidal waves of emotion, feeling so deep gives me the potential to make great moves and great advances out of the conviction that such deep emotions evoke.

this is my attempt to describe where i am, a better more sober description than what i had to give the other day. written outside of anger and frustration. i hope it makes better sense without my tears pouring out between the lines.

it's gonna cost you but you might hurt less

i have had amazing faith in people.

i love people. they are full of life and love, compassion, hope, kindness. left to themselves i have genuinely believed we are good.

i have believed that love is something that is in us, that is natural and gets tainted over time.

i want to keep having faith in people.

but i feel like we are destined to hurt, we are destined to break and destined to being unloving.

the past few months have been a harsh reminder that people will fail you. time and time again i put my faith in people and always, they fail.

what does this mean? if people can't love, if people abandon, if people fail, if people hurt... is this natural or is this corruption? this is the question time and again i have asked myself and just when i start to find peace in my conclusion i get broken again, and i have to question. i have to shut my doors, lock my windows, put up my strong walls and ask endless questions.

friends that know me in real life, i'm sure, will be shocked at this statement but, i am sick of people. i want no one around me. i want to be alone and i want everyone to stop looking. i want to hide in a cave, i want to keep secrets. for the time being I don't want deep relationships. I'm exhausted from the effort, and I'm sick of pain.

i started an anonymous blog that can't be searched.. its the only way i know how to still have an outlet for myself, and also be left alone.

this feeling started as a next step and now i feel like i need to fight, which i hate because i'm sick of fighting. i want to fight against the extreme, i dont want to get bitter, i dont want to lose hope in people, i have to find balance somehow. i always do though, i will.

right now i'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm sad, im disappointed and im questioning again. at the least my mind will no longer be bored.

i dont know when i will write here again, or if i will. ill leave that open.

all i needed was booze and tobacco.

i went out on my balcony tonight and smoked a nat sherman.

everything was there, the smoke invading my lungs, the crickets singing loudly, people talking under the summertime moon... everything but the choking depth of humid florida air.

and lindsey.


when i lived in florida i lived with a lovely young lady named lindsey. nothing has been like what we had. she only watched lifetime, she was from tennessee and together we made the best cajun chicken in the world. we made almost daily trips to walmart and we slept in the same bed... we then woke up early together, got gorgeous and drove to the aveda institute in the same car. there is not much i loved more than sitting on the balcony with her while we smoked, with our lifetime movie paused inside. she hated the heat and i adored it. i don't think i will ever love anyone the way i loved her.

as i'm sure i have said, florida will always have a most dear place in my heart. it was there that i first found me again. it was there that i first felt my world crushing, beautiful freedom... freedom i hadn't felt for the past 2 years, or more.

i loved being scared that a hurricane was going to hit your house, putting everything up, taping the windows, staying bunkered down watching endless newscasts until it ended... or driving around in dangerous winds to see the sight of enormous trees that have broken down billboards.

i loved that the highest place in the entire county was a bridge, a very low bridge.

i loved searching for life with polly out by the water. seeing catfish for the first time. i wish i would have soaked polly up.

i am a california girl, through and through. this is my home.


but my lover.. my lover is florida.

if its from a friend....

its not really stealing right?

maybe it is even more...

either way, i'm doing it.

i really want to hear what my readers think about this... i'm pretty sure our blogs have almost entirely different audiences. can't be certain ;)

there are some specific people i want to hear from and i think you know who you are, dont disappoint me.

over

i dont know what has happened to me.

i think i might be over blogging.

peace is peaceful, but i'm not sure i like it better.